January 10, 2010
Christmas and the holiday season has been great. There was something very special and important about it this year. I really wanted to be with my relatives and particularly my siblings. We drove along the 401 towards Morrisburg, with light snow falling and seeing the snow covering the hills along the country side, and either listening to Sting, a winter musical or a cd called a stroke of insight (about a woman who recuperates from a stroke). Somehow even the silence was so nice. Richard had set me up on the feeding pump in the car so I was getting my 5 tins of nutren in. Julian entertained himself with his DS games and would also practice singing as he got a CD with a special song he enjoyed. Being in the car with was as nice as being with the company. Maybe because I wasn’t driving, I found it so relaxing and loved seeing the country side.

I enjoyed the company at my cousins and watched as everyone ate fabulous meals. I managed to get a bite of an egg dish in and some Bailys and milk. Boxing day I felt a discomfort where my feeding tube enters my stomach, so rather than chance it, we went to the Cornwall hospital (waiting for 3 hours) and got a antibiotic and I re-bandaged it myself and it seem to be a lot more comfortable. So we headed to my sister’s place in Rawdon (an hour north of Montreal).

When I first arrived, I felt very emotional. The impact of knowing I was there and seeing everyone. I was recuperating from the aggressive radiation and chemo treatments and was feeling quite fragile as I moved around. I was also connected again with the pump inserted into the feeding tube in my stomach. Just weeks earlier I was constantly nauseous, but now that had passed and on to the next steps of healing. A fabulous dinner again was arranged, this time 18 of us together as I really could not eat anything but applesauce. I don’t know if I mentioned it, but I need to put 5 tins of this nutren in my system in order to get the calories I need. 1 tin takes close to 2 hours so you could image most of my day is on the pump. We later did some fun Christmas gift exchanges and then I was off to bed for a deep sleep.

We got to spend a little more time in Montreal both at Vera’s and Tony’s (my brother’s place) where I celebrated my 53rd birthday on the 28th.
Back home for a couple of days celebrating this time Richard’s birthday on the 30th, then we went to Thornbury for New Years Day and another overnight stay. This time connecting with my in-laws and attempting a walk in a very snowing and cold area.

Being back at home now as I settle in for January. I got in a couple of yoga classes at Wellspring and went for a series of follow up test, including a biopsy that was 3 needles in the neck area and CT scan and dental examination. Some good news after the dental examination. My teeth are looking great and there is salivary building. I have a follow up meeting with my doctor on the 13th to get the results of the other medical test and see where we are in the healing stage.

I am seeing some healthy changes and able to do a bit more. Emotionally, I feel overall good, grateful to be alive and appreciative of all the support and experiences of life. Then there are other moments where I think how much longer do I have to put up with not being able to eat, or feeling tired and sore. There are times, where I just crash and have to sleep or just rest. I am also still nursing the hole in the neck, hoping to see it close sometime soon. The impact on my neck has been very difficult as I am constantly stilting it and the muscles have become very tender. I crave all kinds of food, but when I experiment eating, it just doesn’t work and stings in the mouth. So right now it is still the tins of nutren and a little yogurt, applesauce, some soups and scrabble eggs. My tongue is still tender and very dry. The other surprise is I am still loosing lots of hair even at this stage. I thought that would have happened sooner and be done with. On an up note, my nails are very healthy so that must be a good sign.