December 13, 2009

Already 11 days have gone by. Ok an update. It is Sunday morning close to noon. Julian has had a friend sleep over and there is some yelling and screaming between Dad and Julian. It is very hard for me to speak, however I am jumping in and saying no, he cannot talk to you like that or we are driving the friend home now. I am compelled to speak as I cannot stand the disrespect. While I am writing this in my office I am hearing directions being given out and follow through with resistance. So I jump in again.
Ok so this is what it is like to write while having a family life too. You can take some time off work to heal, but you really cannot take time off from parenthood. It doesn’t stop.
I am looking forward to Christmas. We settled on going to Morrisburg (Upper Canada Village) on route to Montreal, to spend it with Sandy (my cousin) and her family which is always good for many laughs then to Vera’s (my sister) in Rawdon to join the rest of my siblings then back to Tony’s place in Greenfield Park and then back home.

Christmas time has a wonderful warm feeling inside me and I so look forward to being with everyone. It is usually lighthearted. I just want to sit close to everyone and tell them how much I appreciate being with them and alive. Yes it has been hard and sometimes very scary. I wake up and my throat is so dry I cannot open my mouth and breathing is strained. I rinse it with baking soda that starts a gagging reaction, and then I pull out a bowl in case I vomit again. I wonder how much longer will this go on? Will it get better or worse? I finished radiation treatment on November 5th and it seems like it has been like this since then. Over a month to some it probably is not that long, but for me it does feel long. On another note, the trache tube is still out and the skin seems to be looking good around the neck. The hole is half healed. I clean the bandage regularly making sure I don’t blister the skin around it, so I am gentle around the delicate areas. They did tell me it may take awhile as the radiation made the whole area very sensitive.

Today I managed to sip some flat ginger ale with melted ice cubes and it went down. I mention these details because it seems to be an exact science of ingredients. However even at that, some days it doesn’t work and my mouth feels like it just went on fire.

I went to a funeral yesterday and earlier in the week attended a wake. December always seems to be a month of transitions. I seem to have a knowing that things will turn around for me and it is not my turn. Although difficult I know I will heal.
Yesterday’s service was very special. It was a former board president of our church. I didn’t know him well, but certainly after hearing many stories yesterday, he was quite a man. It was really a celebration of his life, who he was and how much he meant to so many people. It appeared he did many things in his life time and left an impact. He also had addictions, however made changes and then helped others change their life as well. There was a sadness but at the same time, many of us walked away reinforcing the message about how important it is to live life fully.