November 22, 2009

I had a friend (Teresa) come over yesterday and we were on our way into Toronto to see a movie about laughter. Well half way there I started gagging and vomiting and we ended up turning around and coming back home. (No it was not from the laughter). Teresa is a great healer and so she did some Reiki. Devine intervention….. We spent the evening in conversation and doing healing techniques and dialogue with Julian and Richard and they got into an issue as well. I had a powerful vision that continued to be with me throughout the early morning. The vision included a small tiger pup with lots of wisdom. Similar to the energy from Lion King. That was very powerful for me and helped put some pieces together.

This recovery period is definitely taking longer than I expected and a lot more maintenance. Between cleaning bandages, skin care, cleaning trache tubes, using the feeding tube (continuously) and now some jaw exercises it is a full time job. Sounds like it is going to be another while. Every time I speak to the doctor it seems it gets a little longer. Someone said today it could be another 4-6 months. At this point I don’t know anymore. I can only give myself the best care I can and see what happens. I know it would be easier once these mouth sores heal and I can eat, at least not as painful. I am not a fan of the medication and I feel it is hard to keep my own sense of inner strength, although with it, I feel stoned but without it’ is too hard to manage the pain right now. By the way my skin is starting to look more even. I had one side that was very dark and flakey and now it has fallen off with some care from me and more even on both sides around the neck and shoulders. (I felt like Michael Jackson as my pigment was almost black).

My sister is coming from Montreal this weekend and we plan to go to my other sister’s place in Terra Cotta and do a bomb fire. I want to burn the mask and Julian wants to help destroy it. We will do some wild rituals to say good bye to that stage. We are already planning to see what else we can put in that feeding tube. Joan mentioned liquor – anything that would be better than this boring white stuff called nutri that smells like carnation milk. I still get a little nausea so I have to be careful what goes in. My weight has not gone up but has stayed about the same. They of course would like to see that increase.

November 18. 2009

I just heard from a former client who took some time off earlier this year to be with her young daughter who they learned had cancer. I did not have the details except she was at Sick Kids. I just heard she passed away. 12 years old with Hodgkin’s lymphoma. Oh my gosh that touched my heart. That just wasn’t supposed to happen. I know whom am I to say that. Life is so fragile and should never be taken for granted. I am feeling upset because of my situation. Puts it all in perspective. I can only imagine what it is like to say goodbye to a 12 year old daughter. I know we have a purpose here and that is the mystery with spirit. You just never know who comes into your life and what impact they have. I had conversations about New Brunswick, family and work with her mom. What would be next for her career – it seems so small now compare to what she is going through. Thank you for reminding me how vulnerable life is and how precious we have to take each moment. Thank you. There is a strange sense of gratitude that comes through and grounded ness. Put aside ego, wants, etc... and focus on what is really important. Ok the living doesn’t have to be renovated today or tomorrow. It will happen.

November 13, 2009

Alright I was celebrating radiation treatments as they finished on Monday. However why was I feeling so terrible. I just got back from the doctor’s office today to learn that we are still in a very tender stage. Unfortunately, with the aggressive approach to the tumor in my mouth, my tongue got also the brunt of that. It has been incredibly painful and full of sores. It can take another 4-6 weeks as things still need to heal. I am still not able to eat, drink and talking can be a challenge. There is a still lot of fatigue as well. I find this process is really teaching me about patience and balance. I am having some deep heartfelt insights and awareness. I am enjoying being at home and have had some wonderful visits including some kind offerings of energy treatments to help with the process as well.

November 7, 2009

One more radiation treatment to go on Monday. I thought we were done on Friday but was told we have to go again on Monday because one was cut short at the beginning because of breathing difficulties. We meet with the team of doctors who said they treated this quite aggressively as it grew so fast so the throat is experiencing much right now. There will be another 4 weeks before we see the total results and lots of adjustment in the next couple of weeks. This is another tough time as I adjust to not talking and sores on top of sores in the mouth. I received a beautiful reminder today from a girlfriend reminding me that God wants the best for us. So another reminder if spirit inspires you to offer service for us. Whatever that looks like. I can see some ware on us all. Last night after vomiting again and dealing with mass secretion, I felt exhausted and I could see in Richard’s face tiredness as well. On the up note radiation is finishing up and the trips to PMH every morning will stop. The little things in life make such a difference. I really look forward to salt water baths, as I wrap my stomach with plastic wrap and enjoy the comfort of the hot water. My own little spa. Please keep those notes, letters, prayers, visits, healing energies coming and anything you can offer. Even things like helping with laundry, cleaning the bathroom and help remind and oversee Julian to grow his contribution skills in the house too (although it may not be his favorite thing to do).