Saturday, October 17, 2009

Brutal – another week of this! Patience is not my strong point. I know I passed the half way point. I am feeling irritated. I woke up wanting to pull out the trach tube. I hate having something around my neck. My body is feeling so small and I am attempting to continue building strengths through eating and breathing. I now have agreed to go with the feeding tube Monday. (which I hear will provide the nutrition I need). I have lost my appetite and weight went down again, so going this route will help.
Again the week was full of support starting off with Joan (my sister) bringing me on Tuesday to PMH and hanging out with me while I had chemo. Then Bob and Pat bringing me back to their home in between two radiation treatments and giving me the comfort of napping in their sunny room in the afternoon after a walk in the beaches. Laura picked me up after and we experimented seeing the movie Home but I had to cut it short and say goodnight sooner than expected. Duncan drove again on Thursday sharing his pleasure of Celtic music. Allison drove on Friday, creating a great ride and finding a ¼ of the price parking spot on the street. Kelly also joined me this week and took me to Truly You to get a hair treatment from Heather.
Back home to a long nap and soaking the warmth with Richard, Julian and Ace. I am enjoying seeing Julian grow and he has had some special dates as well.
Another friend called on Friday and with sincere intention said she was very sad I had cancer. It scared me and I am finding it hard to shake it off. Up to now I have felt this was a transition and it would pass soon. Now I am feeling weak, shaken, and uncertain about what’s next. I tell myself to keep my eye on positive things and what I love. At the moment that is a little hard. The closest thing I keep in my heart is that I want to live.

Richard is tentatively planning a business trip to Palm Springs in December and suggested we go together. That feels really good. I want to go without the trach tube or feeding tube and feel my body in the warmer weather and enjoy new sites.

Richard and I did a couple of errands today and I feel so different being frail, not by usual bouncy self and aware of how much thinner I am. It is good for me to go out and to build that confidence again and reconnect with something greater than what appears!