Good to be Home

Sunday, October 4th,

God it is so good to be home. As I look outside and watch the 2nd evening of the full moon. How beautiful, powerful and mystical. It is beautiful, beauty, my guiding anchor. It speaks, “this is part of the mission, the journey, and it was all planned”. There are clouds displaying forms. I see a woman lying in a bed under the moon. I am told to “Rest now”The cloud formation is changing at such high speed, yet when I look I don’t see it even moving. When I take mind off it and do something else and come back the art has retaken. The great Artist in the sky. I am told again, “you are part of the collective, just keep writing” Time to turn over the responsibility part to God. She does a better job Wow, I am relishing in the care of support from people, feeling the warmth of people coming for visits, offerings, drives, cards, calls, emails. The conversations are deeper, we are not just socializing, we are saying, “hi, isn’t this great another opportunity to live, share and love.” You experience me with my phlegm hung low and dripping, speaking like darth vader and looking like Queen Victoria with a high collar bib.

On the weekend I got out quickly to buy some new pants as I have been using belts and wraps to hold the pants up. It really hit home, when the size 6 I was trying on was too big. I went from approximately size 10 or 12 to a size 4.

I am eating now and enjoying that a lot. I cannot remember when I gave myself so much food and freedom. Creams, cheeses, pates and on.... just enjoying it all. My mouth has become a lot more tender so everything made with intent of easy to swallow is making it interesting. Sounds weird but water is hard to have as it goes down too fast and no texture.

I also have had a male nurse come a few times. He is great; his name is Vadym and is Ukrainian. He has been so diligent in working with the sensitivity of the skins around the trach tube. The skin was very raw and painful and he helped find the right solution to protect it and it is slowly healing. I find it amazing and humbling these people come into my life.

While I was in the hospital the first few days, Joan (my sister) came every night. She brought such caring and love. She was there through my fear and not being able to breath. She would work all day in Meadowvale area, drive her car to the subway, spend a few hours with me and then drive all the way home to Terra Cotta in the fog. At the same time, she was cleaning out her home of many years to transfer to another house. I felt like a baby being brought into the world and she was going to be there for me. There is no other feeling, when we look at each other and know we are going to get through this.

Now we can look back and laugh as I was starting to tell stories from the medication waves that didn't make sense and I could witness myself doing that. Or after arriving and getting comfortable with her feet up with a book while I slept - only to be told when I woke up, Go Home Joan. She laughed and said I just got here and I am relaxing.

It was such a blessing when I called Joan on the weekend while in the hospital in one of those moments where I had enough. I said, "Joan no more, get me out of here", Joan gently said not a problem Ann, I will get change and get ready and pick you up. Somehow, knowing she heard me and willing to be there for me in my decision was enough to say ok, I can handle more. I just needed to know someone was at my side. Later when Vera and Tony arrived I was able to handle more.

On the Sunday that I was in the hospital, I had eaten very little and had no appetite at all as everything tasted like medicine. Vera had driven all the way from Terra Cotta and had made cream of wheat and put maple syrup in it. She kept saying it was so comforting to her as it reminded her of Dad and she knew I would love it. I had my nurse friend Cathy there who had just done Therapeutic Touch on me and I was about to drift off as I saw Vera's face with the desperate look of, please eat the cream of Wheat - I swear she would have forced feed me if it wasn't for Cathy saying - not to worry Ann will sleep now.

The next day Vera and Tony came again before heading back home to Montreal. Vera looked at me and said in a way I felt so loved. "Ann, I am not here for you, I am really here for me. I needed to be here. I could not stay home and worry. I wanted to be here." I know that feeling when you just have to jump in - be completely there. The moments are previous. Wow, I am so grateful for such a wonderful family.