Thursday, September 17, 2009

Ok I little up lift with a hair cut and manicure. My friend Laura came over and I gave her a Birkman assessment profile. It felt good to do that as we sat outside in the sunshine. Just as she was leaving the hospital called and now I am scheduled to start radiation Monday and will get the confirmation tomorrow if chemo will start the same day as well and I will be in overnight. It still feels surreal, but I am feeling more ready, my body can handle this. As you put me in your thoughts – hold me as powerful and surrounded by healing energy, angels or whatever resonate with you. Also send the same energy to anyone who is part of the team of healers.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

One of my commitments for writing in this blog was not only a place to keep people informed, but to help me with my own healing. Days lately go by so fast, by the time I fed myself, take remedies and manage to hold things down in the stomach, rinse a number of times the shedding that is now taking place inside my mouth. I usually end up going back for a nap.

If you are sensitive, I suggest you stop reading now. Richard couldn’t help but capture a picture of me on the lawn chair yesterday, also cracking with laughter. I was eating some mushy crap and pieces of tofu held on my face and neck with elastics. (tofu is suppose to be a good poultice)

Other charming things I have been experiencing. When I wake up in the morning I can be quite congested in the throat and that alone can make me gag. Richard can no longer sleep in the same room with me, as when I lie down I sound like a train grasping for air. As I am just breathing through a small spot in the throat and usually blood or other stuff surfaces on towels I am using to cover pillows. Today again, I had a huge chunk of blood come out of my nostril. I have very limited taste and I cannot smell anything.

The challenge with the tumor in the mouth, it’s been open a raw for some time and after a while hard to clean the mouth as the odor is strong as it is attempting to heal itself. . I rinse 5-6 times a day with flat club soda (recommended for cleansing).

The last couple of days I am a little uncertain about driving as the medication pulls me in and out. In my attempt to pray and meditate, there are times when my mind just goes into fast forward like trailers before a movie. I had a session with someone today to explore some great visualization and wow, that speeding mind came in a couple of times. However, as I spoke of it, I managed to shift it.

That lovely kitchen we renovated in the summer, I want to put a “closed for cooking” sign on it. Food all looks so good but I dare not put it near my mouth, not only I cannot chew but I have little taste as well. Kidding aside, do come and enjoy our kitchen and when this is healed, I will enjoy many more wonderful meals. Lately, we have been having some conversations just sitting on the new floor. Sometimes, that is a comfortable spot for me in the early morning or late day as I get anchored enough not to spin out for the rest of the day.

Clothes are looking charming. It’s been a long time since I have been this thin. Maybe when I was 18 years old. Every pair of pants, shorts, etc… look like I am missing the second leg as there is so much extra room.

Ok that is enough poor me stuff.
I went back to the whining and thoughts in my head, “I cannot believe this is happening”. Ok I give myself a few minutes to release but cannot stay there. I was watching Oprah today and then Dr. Oz came on talking about all the dangerous things in the house that could age or kill you. I wanted to find the biggest chocolate bar and throw it at him hoping to hit his face. (fun expressing a little rage there – please note I would not do that). Unfortunately I couldn’t find one in the house and somehow spinach or apple sauce just doesn’t have the same impact.

My friend Heather came over with some hair tips and general information – Heather works for Truly Yours (wigs for people who have lost hair to chemo). She is a dear friend and a great resource in my life period. I don’t plan to lose my hair but a little might get a bit dry and maybe a touch thinner in the back.