September 29, ,2009
I wanted to send a quick note. I have about 5 minutes to get my clean stuff together and back to the hospital. Yes I got to come out for a few hours today. A long trip home and back but worth the change of environment. It took an adjustment to be back in the house without getting into cleaning. I did get to take a nice salt bath and enjoy hanging out with Richard and Julian.
I have had a new trach tube put in today and tomorrow the plan is to put a feeding tube directly into my stomach. The whole idea with the trach tube is to help me breath as when I lie down for radiation, my throat closes up and the airways get blocked. I am still unsure about this feeding tube idea. I know I have not been able to eat much, much given time I know that will come back. While at home today I nibbled on some fine chopped chicken and potatoes. This has been a first in some time. That decision is for tomorrow.
You know it is interesting, it is not the challenge of the cancer that is so hard, it is all the invasion in the body to take the treatment. The trach tube is very umcomfortable with tons of flems coming out and unfortunately, I have to say it smells. The body's natural way of trying to get rid of a foreign object. The interesting thing is I am beginning to pick up smells again as my nasel was completely blocked privious to this.
I was told today the tumor in my mouth has shrunk dramatically about 30 -40 % after 7 radiation treatments. I had a sense that would happen, just give it time without the whole fire hose treatment. I had been preparing my body with lots of healing herbs prior to this and was given the heads up it may move out quickly.
I had some great visits and thank you for those who did come by. I am particularly enjoying any form of energy work, touch or whatever. Vera and Tony (my sister and brother from Montreal) came in as a nice surprise over the weekend. We had some good laughs and hugs.
I must go as my girlfriend is coming to pick me up to bring me back in the hospital. But wanted to take a few minutes to update you.
Love
Ann
September 26, 2009
This was an email Richard sent out.
The latest about Ann: she is now at Princess Margaret (17 A) or the weekend and early next week at least. That's the good news. She's having some difficulty with the trach tube and is is some discomfort
Is there anyone who can offer some body work or energy work today?
If you are planning a visit, this weekend looks good - no treatments on Sat or Sunday. She will welcome some familiar faces. "Word On The Street" is Sunday at Queen's Park, so avoid University between College and Bloor.
Richard Diver
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Friday, September 28, 2009
This is the goddess of tofu picture from yesterday. Now I am into preparation for the next steps. I will be starting chemo and radiation on Monday at Princess Margaret, staying overnight and then daily visits and follow ups.
I am feeling stronger about it now. I have had some great times with friends this week and today Hilary and I went to Rattry Marsch, put our feet in the water (which was warm and clear). Hilary has been a great addition on my team and has done some amazing processes with EFT with me. The time in some ways has been special as I have allowed myself to enjoy and play and not just be focused around work, responsibilities, finances. Finding that balance has been vital to my life force - more than every.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Ok I little up lift with a hair cut and manicure. My friend Laura came over and I gave her a Birkman assessment profile. It felt good to do that as we sat outside in the sunshine. Just as she was leaving the hospital called and now I am scheduled to start radiation Monday and will get the confirmation tomorrow if chemo will start the same day as well and I will be in overnight. It still feels surreal, but I am feeling more ready, my body can handle this. As you put me in your thoughts – hold me as powerful and surrounded by healing energy, angels or whatever resonate with you. Also send the same energy to anyone who is part of the team of healers.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
One of my commitments for writing in this blog was not only a place to keep people informed, but to help me with my own healing. Days lately go by so fast, by the time I fed myself, take remedies and manage to hold things down in the stomach, rinse a number of times the shedding that is now taking place inside my mouth. I usually end up going back for a nap.
If you are sensitive, I suggest you stop reading now. Richard couldn’t help but capture a picture of me on the lawn chair yesterday, also cracking with laughter. I was eating some mushy crap and pieces of tofu held on my face and neck with elastics. (tofu is suppose to be a good poultice)
Other charming things I have been experiencing. When I wake up in the morning I can be quite congested in the throat and that alone can make me gag. Richard can no longer sleep in the same room with me, as when I lie down I sound like a train grasping for air. As I am just breathing through a small spot in the throat and usually blood or other stuff surfaces on towels I am using to cover pillows. Today again, I had a huge chunk of blood come out of my nostril. I have very limited taste and I cannot smell anything.
The challenge with the tumor in the mouth, it’s been open a raw for some time and after a while hard to clean the mouth as the odor is strong as it is attempting to heal itself. . I rinse 5-6 times a day with flat club soda (recommended for cleansing).
The last couple of days I am a little uncertain about driving as the medication pulls me in and out. In my attempt to pray and meditate, there are times when my mind just goes into fast forward like trailers before a movie. I had a session with someone today to explore some great visualization and wow, that speeding mind came in a couple of times. However, as I spoke of it, I managed to shift it.
That lovely kitchen we renovated in the summer, I want to put a “closed for cooking” sign on it. Food all looks so good but I dare not put it near my mouth, not only I cannot chew but I have little taste as well. Kidding aside, do come and enjoy our kitchen and when this is healed, I will enjoy many more wonderful meals. Lately, we have been having some conversations just sitting on the new floor. Sometimes, that is a comfortable spot for me in the early morning or late day as I get anchored enough not to spin out for the rest of the day.
Clothes are looking charming. It’s been a long time since I have been this thin. Maybe when I was 18 years old. Every pair of pants, shorts, etc… look like I am missing the second leg as there is so much extra room.
Ok that is enough poor me stuff.
I went back to the whining and thoughts in my head, “I cannot believe this is happening”. Ok I give myself a few minutes to release but cannot stay there. I was watching Oprah today and then Dr. Oz came on talking about all the dangerous things in the house that could age or kill you. I wanted to find the biggest chocolate bar and throw it at him hoping to hit his face. (fun expressing a little rage there – please note I would not do that). Unfortunately I couldn’t find one in the house and somehow spinach or apple sauce just doesn’t have the same impact.
My friend Heather came over with some hair tips and general information – Heather works for Truly Yours (wigs for people who have lost hair to chemo). She is a dear friend and a great resource in my life period. I don’t plan to lose my hair but a little might get a bit dry and maybe a touch thinner in the back.
Ok I little up lift with a hair cut and manicure. My friend Laura came over and I gave her a Birkman assessment profile. It felt good to do that as we sat outside in the sunshine. Just as she was leaving the hospital called and now I am scheduled to start radiation Monday and will get the confirmation tomorrow if chemo will start the same day as well and I will be in overnight. It still feels surreal, but I am feeling more ready, my body can handle this. As you put me in your thoughts – hold me as powerful and surrounded by healing energy, angels or whatever resonate with you. Also send the same energy to anyone who is part of the team of healers.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
One of my commitments for writing in this blog was not only a place to keep people informed, but to help me with my own healing. Days lately go by so fast, by the time I fed myself, take remedies and manage to hold things down in the stomach, rinse a number of times the shedding that is now taking place inside my mouth. I usually end up going back for a nap.
If you are sensitive, I suggest you stop reading now. Richard couldn’t help but capture a picture of me on the lawn chair yesterday, also cracking with laughter. I was eating some mushy crap and pieces of tofu held on my face and neck with elastics. (tofu is suppose to be a good poultice)
Other charming things I have been experiencing. When I wake up in the morning I can be quite congested in the throat and that alone can make me gag. Richard can no longer sleep in the same room with me, as when I lie down I sound like a train grasping for air. As I am just breathing through a small spot in the throat and usually blood or other stuff surfaces on towels I am using to cover pillows. Today again, I had a huge chunk of blood come out of my nostril. I have very limited taste and I cannot smell anything.
The challenge with the tumor in the mouth, it’s been open a raw for some time and after a while hard to clean the mouth as the odor is strong as it is attempting to heal itself. . I rinse 5-6 times a day with flat club soda (recommended for cleansing).
The last couple of days I am a little uncertain about driving as the medication pulls me in and out. In my attempt to pray and meditate, there are times when my mind just goes into fast forward like trailers before a movie. I had a session with someone today to explore some great visualization and wow, that speeding mind came in a couple of times. However, as I spoke of it, I managed to shift it.
That lovely kitchen we renovated in the summer, I want to put a “closed for cooking” sign on it. Food all looks so good but I dare not put it near my mouth, not only I cannot chew but I have little taste as well. Kidding aside, do come and enjoy our kitchen and when this is healed, I will enjoy many more wonderful meals. Lately, we have been having some conversations just sitting on the new floor. Sometimes, that is a comfortable spot for me in the early morning or late day as I get anchored enough not to spin out for the rest of the day.
Clothes are looking charming. It’s been a long time since I have been this thin. Maybe when I was 18 years old. Every pair of pants, shorts, etc… look like I am missing the second leg as there is so much extra room.
Ok that is enough poor me stuff.
I went back to the whining and thoughts in my head, “I cannot believe this is happening”. Ok I give myself a few minutes to release but cannot stay there. I was watching Oprah today and then Dr. Oz came on talking about all the dangerous things in the house that could age or kill you. I wanted to find the biggest chocolate bar and throw it at him hoping to hit his face. (fun expressing a little rage there – please note I would not do that). Unfortunately I couldn’t find one in the house and somehow spinach or apple sauce just doesn’t have the same impact.
My friend Heather came over with some hair tips and general information – Heather works for Truly Yours (wigs for people who have lost hair to chemo). She is a dear friend and a great resource in my life period. I don’t plan to lose my hair but a little might get a bit dry and maybe a touch thinner in the back.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Had a great call from a nurse practioner, Maureen who will be part of the team at PMH. Co-incidence she is also friends of Cathy Kietley's. Cathy spoke to her as well. She was so caring and compassionate and continued to address questions. She helped me look at some further strategies to manage the pain, as it is still very high and when it gets to that level, it is so hard to
manage it. So we are looking at strategies during the day, helping to make the night time easier. We are still expecting a call to establish when we get started. She explained that the planning team now reviews the doses of radiation and chemo and together come up with the plan. It can take a few more days. It could be end of this week or early next week. Richard, Julian and I had a lovely connection last night to further explain a few more things to Julian.
Maureen told me that using rides from Canadian Cancer Society or Red Cross may not work for me. She found that because they pick up several people at once, you all end up waiting for other people's schedules making the stay much longer. My friend Laura has offered to team with Richard to put some plans together to call on friends and family. If you have any availability and don't mind taking me let Richard or me know. We found it takes about 75 minutes during rush hour one way. We have asked for good times to make it easier. However, we might have to take what we can get. I will also be looking at using their louge for overnight when I feel that might be better We are looking into that.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
I am so grateful for the amazing resources of people I have in my life. Wow, I feel like I am on the mouse ride at the X. What a ride. I think taking one of those would have been a lot easier that this ride, cheaper too.
We were at Julian’s baseball tournament this weekend until the end today where his team won in overtime. How exciting and these kids learn the rise and fall of emotions and team work. We then went back to Terra Cotta with Joan (my sister) over to see the Kanatan group of healers, this time the key leader was in from Manitoba and he muscle tested me again. I said I had been tired the last couple of days and he said yes your body has been on a big healing crisis and has done great work to rid of the toxics. He now says I can let go most of the remedies with the exception of two and gave me more stuff to keep and gain some weight to help with hospital treatment. Every time I was going to the hospital I was dropping several pounds and they spoke of putting me on an eating tube early. I kept thinking of Vera (my sister from Montreal) who was very clear when she was waiting for a new kidney earlier this year what she wanted and did not want.
I am trying to get food in me and he gave me something else to add to that venture. He feels we are at the stage where my body will adjust to the treatments well and recovery will be quick. That was positive!
I am noticing the pain has not been as severe – again perhaps things are changing. I don’t seem to need the morphine but the pain does come especially at night and I do need something to manage it. Sleep is still broken up with pain and discomfort. Interesting when it reaches a high level, it’s almost too late to respond. Every day takes a new perspective. I know I am healing and what a way to get my attention for change.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
I got up early and took the bike out to Ratray Marsh and then walked a bit and started returning home to almost passing out. I had to call Richard to pick me up. I cannot breathe through the nose and have limited access in my throat, so I realized on a deeper level my body has gone through a huge change. I was thinking how often I did that walk and ride before getting cancer and it felt like a simple exercise, now I see wow that quite a tough jot. I was in good shape.
Saturday afternoon, Sharon and her husband and two teenage girls came over. These are some good friends that live in Guelph. They had lived in our condo complex previous to that and we used to hang out quite a bit. She went through cancer 7 years ago where she lost both her breast and had chemo treatments. They spoke to us at great length from all their experiences with Sharon and some other friends and family members. We had a long dialogue about the process and she has highly recommended doing both procedures. Eastern and Western medicine, but not just one. Being a family therapist, teachers, supervisor I have a lot of respect for her and she shared she has seen so many people not combined the Western treatments and then did not do well. This is a time to bring the goddess of Kali in. Wow that is scary. Death in order to live
Friday, September 11, 2009
We got some great news on Friday. We are receiving almost a full refund, after negotiating with the hearing aid company in which I spent $3500.00 and after many sessions realized it was too painful to wear (only to discover that there was a tumor happening that could have been interfering. After receiving the news I could not find the aid to return it. So I decided to just have a nap and let it go and sure enough I found it the minute I woke up. I know I am being guided to let go and trust.
I saw the Living Matrix movie with a number of alternative practitioners on Friday night. Some good information.
On Thursday night I had to take some morphine in order to manage the pain and get me through the night. Again a weird experience and tender stomach in the morning.
Got the wired mask made and another cat scan at PMH. That was a little weird but not as bad as I thought. They have to form this huge mask over your face and it molds to your face and hardens. It is used for the whole radiation treatment. They put it on each time and snap on to the table so I will not move as the radiation is directed in the right spots.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
I am off to get the wire mask made today but wanted to send this note to if it so inspires you. You can email below to add your prayers or just add your own in your heart. Either way – thank you.
Don’t Forget: Unity World Day of Prayer
All around the world, from North America to New Zealand, Unity is observing its annual World Day of Prayer on Thursday September 10, 2009.
Unity Church of Mississauga and the Prayer Chaplains are conducting a service at the Church tomorrow Thursday the 10th at 7:30 p.m. The service will be held in the Education Room, Unit 6.
Come and bring your prayer requests (first names only) and they will be read during the service. You can also e-mail your prayer requests to Bill Karr at praywithbill@gmail.com and he will put them on our list.
Come out and help us mark this very important day in Unity.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Another attempt at Tylenol 3 again. This time eating as much before so the stomach can handle it. (Of course liquid that is as I can no longer chew). Even taking remedies has become very hard. Again the morning was a series of upchucks on route to the hospital. Richard was glad because we had to stop by the grounds of Palace Pier and he said how nice it was there. Nice of me to offer that side trip for him. I met with the former surgeon at Sunnybrook who did ear surgery last year and he cleaned a lot of blood from my ear so we could re-test and get a baseline of where my hearing is at before we do radiation.
Then off to Princess Margaret – where we reviewed the plans. They gave us a complete layout over 7 weeks of radiation and 3 chemo treatments during that time. It may start the end of next week or the beginning of the following week. They said the cancerous tumor is very aggressive, making this a level 4. Up to now we had some laughs together, but then the conversation got very serious with some further details. We had a list of questions. Funny I wanted to know the details and yet knowing them has my stomach turning.. Tomorrow we go for another appointment where they design a wire mask with screws and markings that gets used throughout the radiation treatment so I don’t move.
We had a little time between so we went to cherry beach and brought a blanket by the water and sand. Those 30 minutes where so filled with joy as the sun was strong and we watched someone with a huge kite. No stress then, just pure relaxation. That is the state I like – very trusting and inspired by beauty. I am so grateful to have Richard at my side. He has been a real god send. He is not only there for me, but really on top of things for Julian and Ace. I am grateful he has had the flexibility.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
I still have lots of pain and the nights are very hard with waking up continuously. I am feeling a lot more at peace with the situation. Spent the morning closing up some of my work files and transferring over the other people. Connected with Kathy Walker, another medical intuitive who gave me some ideas. One of my girlfriends recommended she talk to me (Sybilla) and as it is I worked with Kathy for a number of years before Julian was born and just after. She offered a couple of ideas and some drops that would help.
Monday, September 7, 2009.
Dale came over for a while and then I went to Joan’s . I just like hanging out and playing with the new baby. There is something so beautiful about the spirit of a baby. It was suggested to us to connect with one of my health consultant’s associates in Seattle who has done a lot of work with people facing cancer. She gave us some further suggestions to add to the remedies we are doing. Richard sent her a picture of the tumor in my mouth and on my neck taken on August 19th and then again on September 7th. We both looked at the difference and wow has it grow a lot even in that period.
Sunday, September 6, 2009 –
The pain in my mouth yesterday was so sore after I attempted to eat a small gluten and wheat free crepe with soft peaches, bananas and yogurt sauce. I just laid in the bed as Richard held me and I cried until I feel asleep. This pain has been going on for so long, sometimes worse than other times, especially during the night. In the last while, sleeping has become more and more difficult. Walking up every 2 hours or so with pain or a busy mind or just to use the washroom.
I went to church and again heard Dale (the minister) speaks of much happening on the collective level. Many changes and how important it is not to isolate. His words of wisdom, Love is Letting go and the best way to have spirit help you is to break your ground. Deepen your faith, if we knew where we were going we wouldn’t need faith. Loose your life to find it. Gospel of Thomas – Be in the world but not of it.
Debbie the singer invited people to come and sing, not to wait for the perfect time, but to use the voice to share – as it is energy. That touched my heart. I am not waiting for the perfect words to write my story.
I reconnected with several people. Julian came with me and played DS during service but hung out at my side and then stayed with me after during fellowship to chat with my friends. It is unusual, he is usually gone by then.
My niece came by to help me color the roots of my hair. I swing from feeling very positive to just worn out.
I then played with Ace (the dog) and later got triggered again as Richard brought home a whole load of groceries. I am being dramatic right now as I cannot eat much anymore and everything gets put in the new VITA mix blender. Chewing has become harder and harder and now even taking the herbal remedies, I am putting them in a drink and they are getting too hard to swallow. I am to stay away from sugar, wheat, yeast as well as this would trigger the tumor especially as in many areas it is quite raw. Although, I have done some of that in the past, I also used the backdoor approach as ‘once in a while’ and sometimes ‘more while than once’
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Another couple of days have gone by and I am still waiting for this great miracle. This is a time where I see my love & hate relationship with spirit. I get miracles daily and I wish I did not really have to go through this. I was festering many thoughts on Saturday with anger. Reviewing how this happen and the stress and anger I was feeling. Questioning so many things, cancer in my mouth; where did I hold back my words? What was not said? What might have been said in the heat of arguments when I was feeling stressed with Richard? Sometimes feeling alone while he was attempting and struggling to build up another business.
I put a new budget together as much has changed since we got the new house and renovations happened. It triggered me. Richard and I argued about money on Saturday as I am anxious about where the money will come now that I am having to stop working. The message from a number of people is to let that go and put my attention on healing. I know that too, but it has not been easy to take that step. My work was the main source of money over the last numerous years in our home and gave me a sense of security. I dealt with so many people over the many years that transition from major job losses and read and watched so much around grieve and transitions. Not that I haven’t had transitions before but now I feel the signs myself on a deeper level. The parts of grief, anger, letting go, roller coaster, despair. When I am feeling solid and connected with my higher self, I know I am learning lots and this experience is deepening my compassion, faith and ability to let go.
Wholly shit do I really have to go through this? Talk about taking me right to the edge. Other people get sick not me. I bragged how healthy I am. When I turned 50, two years ago, I said I was in better shape and health than when I was in my 30’s. At the begging of this year I did a 40 day yoga marathon. If I am so strong and bright and resourceful, then why am I still struggling with this? Dumb question
Friday, September 4, 2009
Where does the day go? I had taken Tylenol 3 with codeine that was recommended to me yesterday from the doctor. It really did a number on me. I felt terribly nauseous, numb, mind racing and uncomfortable. I won’t do those again. I spoke to my herbalist and decided to continue the herb route – a lot less harsh on my body and adds nutrition as well. I had a session with a healer from B.C. who ran a clinic in Mexico for people with serious diseases including cancer. We reviewed a number of things and she did some hands on healing.
Got a call from the hospital as they were trying to get me a MRI, but needed finer details about the titanium in my ear from surgery last year. So we are getting that next week as they cannot take a chance until they know the exact product to make sure they are using the right machine that will not impact the titanium.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Another full moon, so I enjoyed the brightness of it and spent some time in prayer and ritual.
I had a dental appointment today at Princess Margaret to review where my teeth are at and what damage the tumor has had on them. He took molds of them to get a foundation before the radiation. He is the guy who will do repair to the teeth and palette. So we can see where we are at, but it looks like I might be able to keep the teeth. I also got a hearing test, which was difficult to evaluate because my right ear is full of dried blood and they cannot see the ear cannel. Then I had several blood tests.
My sleep patterns have been irregular. Yesterday if I got more than 2 hours at a time, I was lucky. So I get up and write or read or whatever. There was some worry going through my system but I also think a busy mind and perhaps the herbs working out in my body as I sure had to go to the washroom a lot. In some strange way after having the appointments at Princess Margaret today I feel a little more relax. Waiting for all the details was harder than being with them today.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I am still on a marathon of appointments. I was at Princess Margaret today for 3 hours and again a 5th biopsy, no actually a 6th. Joan and Richard were joking yesterday saying with all the biopsies you think there wouldn't be any tumor left as they have taken it out through the biopsy route. No unfortunately not the case. Also the tumor is in my nose as well. The doctor was great. Get a load of this - his name is Dr. Andrew Hope. He is cool - long hair in a braided pony tail, under 40 years old. He had a great sense of humor, compassionate and knowledgeable. Another doctor came in to do the biopsy that asked me about my career and asked if I could help him with a career change. I looked at the huge needle in his hand and said – not what I want to hear as you about to go digging in my mouth. He laughed and said he loves his job.
I am returning there in the morning for another few appointments to start getting me prepared for the next procedures. I will break it into more details for you later Thursday or Friday. But it looks like 12 weeks of radiation and chemotherapy. We do not have an exact date as we need to have a few more examinations in place to determine the exact steps, but that is the rough plan at this point. It will start within two weeks and already a series of things are beginning including dental and hearing examinations. Quite a learning curve.
We also got the rundown on all the possible side effects, some that will last the rest of my life including loss of salivary gland so I will have to insert daily trays of fluoride.
I had not had a sense of the extent of how long this will take and the inability to eat for quite some time. I will be working with a feeding tube through the stomach. I am not sure how to get a grand pasta dish through the tube yet? One noodle at a time I guess. I sure want to enjoy what eating I can do at this point although there are some limitations. We bought a vita mix at the x - Richard made a great soup and some fruit drinks already. I also experimented with some pudding and wild combination drinks with nut butters. They have highly recommended I eat well even through this ordeal as difficult as it will be - it will help the body greatly.
On Tuesday, I had a great connection with Dale - the minister at Unity. He is helping me see this in perspectives I had not considered and with huge amounts of compassion and caring. Dale is saying answers are not through the mental process. He is the second person who has also mentioned the process involves the collective. It calls for a huge amount of courage and faith.
This is a quote Sandra sent me from Neale Donald Walsch (he wrote Conversation with God)
...that illness is not a sign of spiritual weakness, but of
Spiritual strength.
When we fall ill there are some who will say, "Why did you create that for yourself?" They might convince you to see it as a sign of spiritual weakness or failure.
It is not. It is a sign of spiritual strength. All challenges are a sign a spiritual strength, and of the readiness of the Soul to move on; to evolve even further.
Brief Summary prior to September .....
Back in the end of June I saw a canker on the palette of my mouth and it started to get uncomfortable and I thought it might have something to do with a tooth. I explore that with a dentist who said the teeth and gums were in good condition. Then I said well something is going on because I have a huge discomfort on the roof on my mouth. Well from there the momentum started. Another dental surgeon came in and then a referral to an oral surgeon. A biopsy done and then asked for a CAT scan but that got delayed due to some holidays so I went to a nose ear and throat specialist who immediately did another biopsy and got a cat scan to find out it was definitely cancerous and the growth was extremely aggressive. Now moving into the end of July the canker is now grown to the size of an egg and talking has become difficult. He referred me to the team at Princess Margaret.
August it has continued to grown and moved into the nasal area and lymph nodes. I have now loss my sense of smell and cannot breathe through the mouth. Chewing has become very difficult
Almost impossible.
I went to about 15 people all together both western and eastern modalities to get many perspectives and optimize my total health.
Had a great call from a nurse practioner, Maureen who will be part of the team at PMH. Co-incidence she is also friends of Cathy Kietley's. Cathy spoke to her as well. She was so caring and compassionate and continued to address questions. She helped me look at some further strategies to manage the pain, as it is still very high and when it gets to that level, it is so hard to
manage it. So we are looking at strategies during the day, helping to make the night time easier. We are still expecting a call to establish when we get started. She explained that the planning team now reviews the doses of radiation and chemo and together come up with the plan. It can take a few more days. It could be end of this week or early next week. Richard, Julian and I had a lovely connection last night to further explain a few more things to Julian.
Maureen told me that using rides from Canadian Cancer Society or Red Cross may not work for me. She found that because they pick up several people at once, you all end up waiting for other people's schedules making the stay much longer. My friend Laura has offered to team with Richard to put some plans together to call on friends and family. If you have any availability and don't mind taking me let Richard or me know. We found it takes about 75 minutes during rush hour one way. We have asked for good times to make it easier. However, we might have to take what we can get. I will also be looking at using their louge for overnight when I feel that might be better We are looking into that.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
I am so grateful for the amazing resources of people I have in my life. Wow, I feel like I am on the mouse ride at the X. What a ride. I think taking one of those would have been a lot easier that this ride, cheaper too.
We were at Julian’s baseball tournament this weekend until the end today where his team won in overtime. How exciting and these kids learn the rise and fall of emotions and team work. We then went back to Terra Cotta with Joan (my sister) over to see the Kanatan group of healers, this time the key leader was in from Manitoba and he muscle tested me again. I said I had been tired the last couple of days and he said yes your body has been on a big healing crisis and has done great work to rid of the toxics. He now says I can let go most of the remedies with the exception of two and gave me more stuff to keep and gain some weight to help with hospital treatment. Every time I was going to the hospital I was dropping several pounds and they spoke of putting me on an eating tube early. I kept thinking of Vera (my sister from Montreal) who was very clear when she was waiting for a new kidney earlier this year what she wanted and did not want.
I am trying to get food in me and he gave me something else to add to that venture. He feels we are at the stage where my body will adjust to the treatments well and recovery will be quick. That was positive!
I am noticing the pain has not been as severe – again perhaps things are changing. I don’t seem to need the morphine but the pain does come especially at night and I do need something to manage it. Sleep is still broken up with pain and discomfort. Interesting when it reaches a high level, it’s almost too late to respond. Every day takes a new perspective. I know I am healing and what a way to get my attention for change.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
I got up early and took the bike out to Ratray Marsh and then walked a bit and started returning home to almost passing out. I had to call Richard to pick me up. I cannot breathe through the nose and have limited access in my throat, so I realized on a deeper level my body has gone through a huge change. I was thinking how often I did that walk and ride before getting cancer and it felt like a simple exercise, now I see wow that quite a tough jot. I was in good shape.
Saturday afternoon, Sharon and her husband and two teenage girls came over. These are some good friends that live in Guelph. They had lived in our condo complex previous to that and we used to hang out quite a bit. She went through cancer 7 years ago where she lost both her breast and had chemo treatments. They spoke to us at great length from all their experiences with Sharon and some other friends and family members. We had a long dialogue about the process and she has highly recommended doing both procedures. Eastern and Western medicine, but not just one. Being a family therapist, teachers, supervisor I have a lot of respect for her and she shared she has seen so many people not combined the Western treatments and then did not do well. This is a time to bring the goddess of Kali in. Wow that is scary. Death in order to live
Friday, September 11, 2009
We got some great news on Friday. We are receiving almost a full refund, after negotiating with the hearing aid company in which I spent $3500.00 and after many sessions realized it was too painful to wear (only to discover that there was a tumor happening that could have been interfering. After receiving the news I could not find the aid to return it. So I decided to just have a nap and let it go and sure enough I found it the minute I woke up. I know I am being guided to let go and trust.
I saw the Living Matrix movie with a number of alternative practitioners on Friday night. Some good information.
On Thursday night I had to take some morphine in order to manage the pain and get me through the night. Again a weird experience and tender stomach in the morning.
Got the wired mask made and another cat scan at PMH. That was a little weird but not as bad as I thought. They have to form this huge mask over your face and it molds to your face and hardens. It is used for the whole radiation treatment. They put it on each time and snap on to the table so I will not move as the radiation is directed in the right spots.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
I am off to get the wire mask made today but wanted to send this note to if it so inspires you. You can email below to add your prayers or just add your own in your heart. Either way – thank you.
Don’t Forget: Unity World Day of Prayer
All around the world, from North America to New Zealand, Unity is observing its annual World Day of Prayer on Thursday September 10, 2009.
Unity Church of Mississauga and the Prayer Chaplains are conducting a service at the Church tomorrow Thursday the 10th at 7:30 p.m. The service will be held in the Education Room, Unit 6.
Come and bring your prayer requests (first names only) and they will be read during the service. You can also e-mail your prayer requests to Bill Karr at praywithbill@gmail.com and he will put them on our list.
Come out and help us mark this very important day in Unity.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Another attempt at Tylenol 3 again. This time eating as much before so the stomach can handle it. (Of course liquid that is as I can no longer chew). Even taking remedies has become very hard. Again the morning was a series of upchucks on route to the hospital. Richard was glad because we had to stop by the grounds of Palace Pier and he said how nice it was there. Nice of me to offer that side trip for him. I met with the former surgeon at Sunnybrook who did ear surgery last year and he cleaned a lot of blood from my ear so we could re-test and get a baseline of where my hearing is at before we do radiation.
Then off to Princess Margaret – where we reviewed the plans. They gave us a complete layout over 7 weeks of radiation and 3 chemo treatments during that time. It may start the end of next week or the beginning of the following week. They said the cancerous tumor is very aggressive, making this a level 4. Up to now we had some laughs together, but then the conversation got very serious with some further details. We had a list of questions. Funny I wanted to know the details and yet knowing them has my stomach turning.. Tomorrow we go for another appointment where they design a wire mask with screws and markings that gets used throughout the radiation treatment so I don’t move.
We had a little time between so we went to cherry beach and brought a blanket by the water and sand. Those 30 minutes where so filled with joy as the sun was strong and we watched someone with a huge kite. No stress then, just pure relaxation. That is the state I like – very trusting and inspired by beauty. I am so grateful to have Richard at my side. He has been a real god send. He is not only there for me, but really on top of things for Julian and Ace. I am grateful he has had the flexibility.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
I still have lots of pain and the nights are very hard with waking up continuously. I am feeling a lot more at peace with the situation. Spent the morning closing up some of my work files and transferring over the other people. Connected with Kathy Walker, another medical intuitive who gave me some ideas. One of my girlfriends recommended she talk to me (Sybilla) and as it is I worked with Kathy for a number of years before Julian was born and just after. She offered a couple of ideas and some drops that would help.
Monday, September 7, 2009.
Dale came over for a while and then I went to Joan’s . I just like hanging out and playing with the new baby. There is something so beautiful about the spirit of a baby. It was suggested to us to connect with one of my health consultant’s associates in Seattle who has done a lot of work with people facing cancer. She gave us some further suggestions to add to the remedies we are doing. Richard sent her a picture of the tumor in my mouth and on my neck taken on August 19th and then again on September 7th. We both looked at the difference and wow has it grow a lot even in that period.
Sunday, September 6, 2009 –
The pain in my mouth yesterday was so sore after I attempted to eat a small gluten and wheat free crepe with soft peaches, bananas and yogurt sauce. I just laid in the bed as Richard held me and I cried until I feel asleep. This pain has been going on for so long, sometimes worse than other times, especially during the night. In the last while, sleeping has become more and more difficult. Walking up every 2 hours or so with pain or a busy mind or just to use the washroom.
I went to church and again heard Dale (the minister) speaks of much happening on the collective level. Many changes and how important it is not to isolate. His words of wisdom, Love is Letting go and the best way to have spirit help you is to break your ground. Deepen your faith, if we knew where we were going we wouldn’t need faith. Loose your life to find it. Gospel of Thomas – Be in the world but not of it.
Debbie the singer invited people to come and sing, not to wait for the perfect time, but to use the voice to share – as it is energy. That touched my heart. I am not waiting for the perfect words to write my story.
I reconnected with several people. Julian came with me and played DS during service but hung out at my side and then stayed with me after during fellowship to chat with my friends. It is unusual, he is usually gone by then.
My niece came by to help me color the roots of my hair. I swing from feeling very positive to just worn out.
I then played with Ace (the dog) and later got triggered again as Richard brought home a whole load of groceries. I am being dramatic right now as I cannot eat much anymore and everything gets put in the new VITA mix blender. Chewing has become harder and harder and now even taking the herbal remedies, I am putting them in a drink and they are getting too hard to swallow. I am to stay away from sugar, wheat, yeast as well as this would trigger the tumor especially as in many areas it is quite raw. Although, I have done some of that in the past, I also used the backdoor approach as ‘once in a while’ and sometimes ‘more while than once’
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Another couple of days have gone by and I am still waiting for this great miracle. This is a time where I see my love & hate relationship with spirit. I get miracles daily and I wish I did not really have to go through this. I was festering many thoughts on Saturday with anger. Reviewing how this happen and the stress and anger I was feeling. Questioning so many things, cancer in my mouth; where did I hold back my words? What was not said? What might have been said in the heat of arguments when I was feeling stressed with Richard? Sometimes feeling alone while he was attempting and struggling to build up another business.
I put a new budget together as much has changed since we got the new house and renovations happened. It triggered me. Richard and I argued about money on Saturday as I am anxious about where the money will come now that I am having to stop working. The message from a number of people is to let that go and put my attention on healing. I know that too, but it has not been easy to take that step. My work was the main source of money over the last numerous years in our home and gave me a sense of security. I dealt with so many people over the many years that transition from major job losses and read and watched so much around grieve and transitions. Not that I haven’t had transitions before but now I feel the signs myself on a deeper level. The parts of grief, anger, letting go, roller coaster, despair. When I am feeling solid and connected with my higher self, I know I am learning lots and this experience is deepening my compassion, faith and ability to let go.
Wholly shit do I really have to go through this? Talk about taking me right to the edge. Other people get sick not me. I bragged how healthy I am. When I turned 50, two years ago, I said I was in better shape and health than when I was in my 30’s. At the begging of this year I did a 40 day yoga marathon. If I am so strong and bright and resourceful, then why am I still struggling with this? Dumb question
Friday, September 4, 2009
Where does the day go? I had taken Tylenol 3 with codeine that was recommended to me yesterday from the doctor. It really did a number on me. I felt terribly nauseous, numb, mind racing and uncomfortable. I won’t do those again. I spoke to my herbalist and decided to continue the herb route – a lot less harsh on my body and adds nutrition as well. I had a session with a healer from B.C. who ran a clinic in Mexico for people with serious diseases including cancer. We reviewed a number of things and she did some hands on healing.
Got a call from the hospital as they were trying to get me a MRI, but needed finer details about the titanium in my ear from surgery last year. So we are getting that next week as they cannot take a chance until they know the exact product to make sure they are using the right machine that will not impact the titanium.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Another full moon, so I enjoyed the brightness of it and spent some time in prayer and ritual.
I had a dental appointment today at Princess Margaret to review where my teeth are at and what damage the tumor has had on them. He took molds of them to get a foundation before the radiation. He is the guy who will do repair to the teeth and palette. So we can see where we are at, but it looks like I might be able to keep the teeth. I also got a hearing test, which was difficult to evaluate because my right ear is full of dried blood and they cannot see the ear cannel. Then I had several blood tests.
My sleep patterns have been irregular. Yesterday if I got more than 2 hours at a time, I was lucky. So I get up and write or read or whatever. There was some worry going through my system but I also think a busy mind and perhaps the herbs working out in my body as I sure had to go to the washroom a lot. In some strange way after having the appointments at Princess Margaret today I feel a little more relax. Waiting for all the details was harder than being with them today.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I am still on a marathon of appointments. I was at Princess Margaret today for 3 hours and again a 5th biopsy, no actually a 6th. Joan and Richard were joking yesterday saying with all the biopsies you think there wouldn't be any tumor left as they have taken it out through the biopsy route. No unfortunately not the case. Also the tumor is in my nose as well. The doctor was great. Get a load of this - his name is Dr. Andrew Hope. He is cool - long hair in a braided pony tail, under 40 years old. He had a great sense of humor, compassionate and knowledgeable. Another doctor came in to do the biopsy that asked me about my career and asked if I could help him with a career change. I looked at the huge needle in his hand and said – not what I want to hear as you about to go digging in my mouth. He laughed and said he loves his job.
I am returning there in the morning for another few appointments to start getting me prepared for the next procedures. I will break it into more details for you later Thursday or Friday. But it looks like 12 weeks of radiation and chemotherapy. We do not have an exact date as we need to have a few more examinations in place to determine the exact steps, but that is the rough plan at this point. It will start within two weeks and already a series of things are beginning including dental and hearing examinations. Quite a learning curve.
We also got the rundown on all the possible side effects, some that will last the rest of my life including loss of salivary gland so I will have to insert daily trays of fluoride.
I had not had a sense of the extent of how long this will take and the inability to eat for quite some time. I will be working with a feeding tube through the stomach. I am not sure how to get a grand pasta dish through the tube yet? One noodle at a time I guess. I sure want to enjoy what eating I can do at this point although there are some limitations. We bought a vita mix at the x - Richard made a great soup and some fruit drinks already. I also experimented with some pudding and wild combination drinks with nut butters. They have highly recommended I eat well even through this ordeal as difficult as it will be - it will help the body greatly.
On Tuesday, I had a great connection with Dale - the minister at Unity. He is helping me see this in perspectives I had not considered and with huge amounts of compassion and caring. Dale is saying answers are not through the mental process. He is the second person who has also mentioned the process involves the collective. It calls for a huge amount of courage and faith.
This is a quote Sandra sent me from Neale Donald Walsch (he wrote Conversation with God)
...that illness is not a sign of spiritual weakness, but of
Spiritual strength.
When we fall ill there are some who will say, "Why did you create that for yourself?" They might convince you to see it as a sign of spiritual weakness or failure.
It is not. It is a sign of spiritual strength. All challenges are a sign a spiritual strength, and of the readiness of the Soul to move on; to evolve even further.
Brief Summary prior to September .....
Back in the end of June I saw a canker on the palette of my mouth and it started to get uncomfortable and I thought it might have something to do with a tooth. I explore that with a dentist who said the teeth and gums were in good condition. Then I said well something is going on because I have a huge discomfort on the roof on my mouth. Well from there the momentum started. Another dental surgeon came in and then a referral to an oral surgeon. A biopsy done and then asked for a CAT scan but that got delayed due to some holidays so I went to a nose ear and throat specialist who immediately did another biopsy and got a cat scan to find out it was definitely cancerous and the growth was extremely aggressive. Now moving into the end of July the canker is now grown to the size of an egg and talking has become difficult. He referred me to the team at Princess Margaret.
August it has continued to grown and moved into the nasal area and lymph nodes. I have now loss my sense of smell and cannot breathe through the mouth. Chewing has become very difficult
Almost impossible.
I went to about 15 people all together both western and eastern modalities to get many perspectives and optimize my total health.
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