December 19, 2009
Another big shift! A true celebration today. I am much warmer – literally. I have been constantly cold with the loss of 20 lbs., and not eating solids it is hard to stay warm in these temperatures. Joan (my sister) mentioned getting microfibre long johns sets. It worked, much warmer. What every person needs is someone who listens and comes up with ideas. I started eating little bits in the last two days. I had applesauce and a small protein drink. That is a huge step for me. It’s coming along.
I went to Knightsbridge Christmas luncheon on Wednesday to say hi to all the people I worked with. It was great to see everyone and at first I felt very nervous. How would everyone react as I have changed so much? With the weight loss and distorted mouth, the bandage around the neck and head tilted over and my voice going in and out? After hugs, I forgot all about those fear thoughts and just enjoyed hanging out. They were just delighted to see me again and encouraging.
I mentioned to someone I might pay for this the next day in recovery. Well I must watch my words, because that night my feeding tube got blocked and we could not get any liquids in at all. By the next morning nothing changed so we rushed to Princess Margaret Hospital. I spent the evening not being able to access the liquid food so come the morning I was quite weak. They flushed it out with a soda compound and reassured me it isn’t the first time. They also spent time with the hole in my neck and re-bandaged it. I had a heart to heart talk with two of the people on my team (both head nurses) who encouraged me and put some realistic timeframes in my healing process as well what to expect over the next while, including the trip to Montreal for Christmas.
The message was about being gentle, slow and patience. This is not just a day surgery and then you're back on your feet. I got a little shaken up and discouraged but grateful for the truth and reminders. Still stung.When I returned home I reached out to a few angels to continue filling my heart and inspiration.
This quote was sent to me among others and I thought was so appropriate.
You must be at the end of your rope. I felt a tug.~Author Unknown
On that note, it's time to relax and enjoy the Christmas holiday time. If you are reading this before, I do want to wish you a great Christmas and thanks for reading this.
It is with the hope that if you know someone who is experiencing something similar I hope I have offered some words of insight from my experiences.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
December 13, 2009
Already 11 days have gone by. Ok an update. It is Sunday morning close to noon. Julian has had a friend sleep over and there is some yelling and screaming between Dad and Julian. It is very hard for me to speak, however I am jumping in and saying no, he cannot talk to you like that or we are driving the friend home now. I am compelled to speak as I cannot stand the disrespect. While I am writing this in my office I am hearing directions being given out and follow through with resistance. So I jump in again.
Ok so this is what it is like to write while having a family life too. You can take some time off work to heal, but you really cannot take time off from parenthood. It doesn’t stop.
I am looking forward to Christmas. We settled on going to Morrisburg (Upper Canada Village) on route to Montreal, to spend it with Sandy (my cousin) and her family which is always good for many laughs then to Vera’s (my sister) in Rawdon to join the rest of my siblings then back to Tony’s place in Greenfield Park and then back home.
Christmas time has a wonderful warm feeling inside me and I so look forward to being with everyone. It is usually lighthearted. I just want to sit close to everyone and tell them how much I appreciate being with them and alive. Yes it has been hard and sometimes very scary. I wake up and my throat is so dry I cannot open my mouth and breathing is strained. I rinse it with baking soda that starts a gagging reaction, and then I pull out a bowl in case I vomit again. I wonder how much longer will this go on? Will it get better or worse? I finished radiation treatment on November 5th and it seems like it has been like this since then. Over a month to some it probably is not that long, but for me it does feel long. On another note, the trache tube is still out and the skin seems to be looking good around the neck. The hole is half healed. I clean the bandage regularly making sure I don’t blister the skin around it, so I am gentle around the delicate areas. They did tell me it may take awhile as the radiation made the whole area very sensitive.
Today I managed to sip some flat ginger ale with melted ice cubes and it went down. I mention these details because it seems to be an exact science of ingredients. However even at that, some days it doesn’t work and my mouth feels like it just went on fire.
I went to a funeral yesterday and earlier in the week attended a wake. December always seems to be a month of transitions. I seem to have a knowing that things will turn around for me and it is not my turn. Although difficult I know I will heal.
Yesterday’s service was very special. It was a former board president of our church. I didn’t know him well, but certainly after hearing many stories yesterday, he was quite a man. It was really a celebration of his life, who he was and how much he meant to so many people. It appeared he did many things in his life time and left an impact. He also had addictions, however made changes and then helped others change their life as well. There was a sadness but at the same time, many of us walked away reinforcing the message about how important it is to live life fully.
Already 11 days have gone by. Ok an update. It is Sunday morning close to noon. Julian has had a friend sleep over and there is some yelling and screaming between Dad and Julian. It is very hard for me to speak, however I am jumping in and saying no, he cannot talk to you like that or we are driving the friend home now. I am compelled to speak as I cannot stand the disrespect. While I am writing this in my office I am hearing directions being given out and follow through with resistance. So I jump in again.
Ok so this is what it is like to write while having a family life too. You can take some time off work to heal, but you really cannot take time off from parenthood. It doesn’t stop.
I am looking forward to Christmas. We settled on going to Morrisburg (Upper Canada Village) on route to Montreal, to spend it with Sandy (my cousin) and her family which is always good for many laughs then to Vera’s (my sister) in Rawdon to join the rest of my siblings then back to Tony’s place in Greenfield Park and then back home.
Christmas time has a wonderful warm feeling inside me and I so look forward to being with everyone. It is usually lighthearted. I just want to sit close to everyone and tell them how much I appreciate being with them and alive. Yes it has been hard and sometimes very scary. I wake up and my throat is so dry I cannot open my mouth and breathing is strained. I rinse it with baking soda that starts a gagging reaction, and then I pull out a bowl in case I vomit again. I wonder how much longer will this go on? Will it get better or worse? I finished radiation treatment on November 5th and it seems like it has been like this since then. Over a month to some it probably is not that long, but for me it does feel long. On another note, the trache tube is still out and the skin seems to be looking good around the neck. The hole is half healed. I clean the bandage regularly making sure I don’t blister the skin around it, so I am gentle around the delicate areas. They did tell me it may take awhile as the radiation made the whole area very sensitive.
Today I managed to sip some flat ginger ale with melted ice cubes and it went down. I mention these details because it seems to be an exact science of ingredients. However even at that, some days it doesn’t work and my mouth feels like it just went on fire.
I went to a funeral yesterday and earlier in the week attended a wake. December always seems to be a month of transitions. I seem to have a knowing that things will turn around for me and it is not my turn. Although difficult I know I will heal.
Yesterday’s service was very special. It was a former board president of our church. I didn’t know him well, but certainly after hearing many stories yesterday, he was quite a man. It was really a celebration of his life, who he was and how much he meant to so many people. It appeared he did many things in his life time and left an impact. He also had addictions, however made changes and then helped others change their life as well. There was a sadness but at the same time, many of us walked away reinforcing the message about how important it is to live life fully.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
December 2, 2009
I was reviewing the blog and I made reference to the full moon on October 4, 2009 and this evening is another full moon. Comforting to know that there is a consistent mystery out there. In a strange way there is comfort there.
So much has taken place and I am still recovery from the treatments and all the apparatus. I have still not been able to eat or drink (now I have had the odd sips of water or bubbly. Sometimes it works and then other times I open a place up to vomit, which seems to have happened a lot over the last couple of days. I am told my stomach just has to get use to things. It seems that is taking a while to do that.
I went for a CT scan and meeting with the team on Wednesday to get further results and suggestions. This calls on a lot more patience as there has not been any change on the tongue and much discomfort. Using medication helps with the pain, but certainly creates a day of slow movement and lots of sleep.
I had a great weekend with Joan and Vera. Many laughs and tender moments with heartfelt joy. It was fun to have that family around and get some extra care. The three of us got to spend some alone time together, slept at Dave’s place (Joan’s friend) who loaned us space for one night. We each got a king size bed with silk sheets, what a treat.
I have attached more pictures. We created a ritual to burn the mask used for radiation. It was a lovely night and the fire was extremely hot so it got to burn well. Thank you Eddie. We added prayers and gratitude and Vera said this was our winter solstice saying goodbye to what we did not want and hello to what we want. Richard and I have done many solstice ceremonies over the years and I felt incredible love and awareness to have my siblings involved and Vera stepping up to add to the ceremony. Different generations there and we are role modeling to different levels. From a baby, 12 year old, 25 year old and 28 year old.
Kathy Tiovanen the minister from Erin Mills United Church (EMUC) came over to chat. We arrived at the conclusion some things are left to be in mystery or they end up in the same way they were created. Let go and let god. We spoke of that in reference to global warming and saw how similar it is to healing a major illness. One can spend days and hours searching for the why (where I go from time to time) and not be fruitful but more depressed. Better to accept what is and high priority of getting well.
A couple of cousins came by on Friday from Cornwall and Kingston. We had some good laughs and teasing. I was thinking we can do that because we know we can get away with it knowing the intent is in the spirit of fun.
I was reviewing the blog and I made reference to the full moon on October 4, 2009 and this evening is another full moon. Comforting to know that there is a consistent mystery out there. In a strange way there is comfort there.
So much has taken place and I am still recovery from the treatments and all the apparatus. I have still not been able to eat or drink (now I have had the odd sips of water or bubbly. Sometimes it works and then other times I open a place up to vomit, which seems to have happened a lot over the last couple of days. I am told my stomach just has to get use to things. It seems that is taking a while to do that.
I went for a CT scan and meeting with the team on Wednesday to get further results and suggestions. This calls on a lot more patience as there has not been any change on the tongue and much discomfort. Using medication helps with the pain, but certainly creates a day of slow movement and lots of sleep.
I had a great weekend with Joan and Vera. Many laughs and tender moments with heartfelt joy. It was fun to have that family around and get some extra care. The three of us got to spend some alone time together, slept at Dave’s place (Joan’s friend) who loaned us space for one night. We each got a king size bed with silk sheets, what a treat.
I have attached more pictures. We created a ritual to burn the mask used for radiation. It was a lovely night and the fire was extremely hot so it got to burn well. Thank you Eddie. We added prayers and gratitude and Vera said this was our winter solstice saying goodbye to what we did not want and hello to what we want. Richard and I have done many solstice ceremonies over the years and I felt incredible love and awareness to have my siblings involved and Vera stepping up to add to the ceremony. Different generations there and we are role modeling to different levels. From a baby, 12 year old, 25 year old and 28 year old.
Kathy Tiovanen the minister from Erin Mills United Church (EMUC) came over to chat. We arrived at the conclusion some things are left to be in mystery or they end up in the same way they were created. Let go and let god. We spoke of that in reference to global warming and saw how similar it is to healing a major illness. One can spend days and hours searching for the why (where I go from time to time) and not be fruitful but more depressed. Better to accept what is and high priority of getting well.
A couple of cousins came by on Friday from Cornwall and Kingston. We had some good laughs and teasing. I was thinking we can do that because we know we can get away with it knowing the intent is in the spirit of fun.
Monday, November 23, 2009
November 22, 2009
I had a friend (Teresa) come over yesterday and we were on our way into Toronto to see a movie about laughter. Well half way there I started gagging and vomiting and we ended up turning around and coming back home. (No it was not from the laughter). Teresa is a great healer and so she did some Reiki. Devine intervention….. We spent the evening in conversation and doing healing techniques and dialogue with Julian and Richard and they got into an issue as well. I had a powerful vision that continued to be with me throughout the early morning. The vision included a small tiger pup with lots of wisdom. Similar to the energy from Lion King. That was very powerful for me and helped put some pieces together.
This recovery period is definitely taking longer than I expected and a lot more maintenance. Between cleaning bandages, skin care, cleaning trache tubes, using the feeding tube (continuously) and now some jaw exercises it is a full time job. Sounds like it is going to be another while. Every time I speak to the doctor it seems it gets a little longer. Someone said today it could be another 4-6 months. At this point I don’t know anymore. I can only give myself the best care I can and see what happens. I know it would be easier once these mouth sores heal and I can eat, at least not as painful. I am not a fan of the medication and I feel it is hard to keep my own sense of inner strength, although with it, I feel stoned but without it’ is too hard to manage the pain right now. By the way my skin is starting to look more even. I had one side that was very dark and flakey and now it has fallen off with some care from me and more even on both sides around the neck and shoulders. (I felt like Michael Jackson as my pigment was almost black).
My sister is coming from Montreal this weekend and we plan to go to my other sister’s place in Terra Cotta and do a bomb fire. I want to burn the mask and Julian wants to help destroy it. We will do some wild rituals to say good bye to that stage. We are already planning to see what else we can put in that feeding tube. Joan mentioned liquor – anything that would be better than this boring white stuff called nutri that smells like carnation milk. I still get a little nausea so I have to be careful what goes in. My weight has not gone up but has stayed about the same. They of course would like to see that increase.
I had a friend (Teresa) come over yesterday and we were on our way into Toronto to see a movie about laughter. Well half way there I started gagging and vomiting and we ended up turning around and coming back home. (No it was not from the laughter). Teresa is a great healer and so she did some Reiki. Devine intervention….. We spent the evening in conversation and doing healing techniques and dialogue with Julian and Richard and they got into an issue as well. I had a powerful vision that continued to be with me throughout the early morning. The vision included a small tiger pup with lots of wisdom. Similar to the energy from Lion King. That was very powerful for me and helped put some pieces together.
This recovery period is definitely taking longer than I expected and a lot more maintenance. Between cleaning bandages, skin care, cleaning trache tubes, using the feeding tube (continuously) and now some jaw exercises it is a full time job. Sounds like it is going to be another while. Every time I speak to the doctor it seems it gets a little longer. Someone said today it could be another 4-6 months. At this point I don’t know anymore. I can only give myself the best care I can and see what happens. I know it would be easier once these mouth sores heal and I can eat, at least not as painful. I am not a fan of the medication and I feel it is hard to keep my own sense of inner strength, although with it, I feel stoned but without it’ is too hard to manage the pain right now. By the way my skin is starting to look more even. I had one side that was very dark and flakey and now it has fallen off with some care from me and more even on both sides around the neck and shoulders. (I felt like Michael Jackson as my pigment was almost black).
My sister is coming from Montreal this weekend and we plan to go to my other sister’s place in Terra Cotta and do a bomb fire. I want to burn the mask and Julian wants to help destroy it. We will do some wild rituals to say good bye to that stage. We are already planning to see what else we can put in that feeding tube. Joan mentioned liquor – anything that would be better than this boring white stuff called nutri that smells like carnation milk. I still get a little nausea so I have to be careful what goes in. My weight has not gone up but has stayed about the same. They of course would like to see that increase.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
November 18. 2009
I just heard from a former client who took some time off earlier this year to be with her young daughter who they learned had cancer. I did not have the details except she was at Sick Kids. I just heard she passed away. 12 years old with Hodgkin’s lymphoma. Oh my gosh that touched my heart. That just wasn’t supposed to happen. I know whom am I to say that. Life is so fragile and should never be taken for granted. I am feeling upset because of my situation. Puts it all in perspective. I can only imagine what it is like to say goodbye to a 12 year old daughter. I know we have a purpose here and that is the mystery with spirit. You just never know who comes into your life and what impact they have. I had conversations about New Brunswick, family and work with her mom. What would be next for her career – it seems so small now compare to what she is going through. Thank you for reminding me how vulnerable life is and how precious we have to take each moment. Thank you. There is a strange sense of gratitude that comes through and grounded ness. Put aside ego, wants, etc... and focus on what is really important. Ok the living doesn’t have to be renovated today or tomorrow. It will happen.
I just heard from a former client who took some time off earlier this year to be with her young daughter who they learned had cancer. I did not have the details except she was at Sick Kids. I just heard she passed away. 12 years old with Hodgkin’s lymphoma. Oh my gosh that touched my heart. That just wasn’t supposed to happen. I know whom am I to say that. Life is so fragile and should never be taken for granted. I am feeling upset because of my situation. Puts it all in perspective. I can only imagine what it is like to say goodbye to a 12 year old daughter. I know we have a purpose here and that is the mystery with spirit. You just never know who comes into your life and what impact they have. I had conversations about New Brunswick, family and work with her mom. What would be next for her career – it seems so small now compare to what she is going through. Thank you for reminding me how vulnerable life is and how precious we have to take each moment. Thank you. There is a strange sense of gratitude that comes through and grounded ness. Put aside ego, wants, etc... and focus on what is really important. Ok the living doesn’t have to be renovated today or tomorrow. It will happen.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
November 13, 2009
Alright I was celebrating radiation treatments as they finished on Monday. However why was I feeling so terrible. I just got back from the doctor’s office today to learn that we are still in a very tender stage. Unfortunately, with the aggressive approach to the tumor in my mouth, my tongue got also the brunt of that. It has been incredibly painful and full of sores. It can take another 4-6 weeks as things still need to heal. I am still not able to eat, drink and talking can be a challenge. There is a still lot of fatigue as well. I find this process is really teaching me about patience and balance. I am having some deep heartfelt insights and awareness. I am enjoying being at home and have had some wonderful visits including some kind offerings of energy treatments to help with the process as well.
Alright I was celebrating radiation treatments as they finished on Monday. However why was I feeling so terrible. I just got back from the doctor’s office today to learn that we are still in a very tender stage. Unfortunately, with the aggressive approach to the tumor in my mouth, my tongue got also the brunt of that. It has been incredibly painful and full of sores. It can take another 4-6 weeks as things still need to heal. I am still not able to eat, drink and talking can be a challenge. There is a still lot of fatigue as well. I find this process is really teaching me about patience and balance. I am having some deep heartfelt insights and awareness. I am enjoying being at home and have had some wonderful visits including some kind offerings of energy treatments to help with the process as well.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
November 7, 2009
One more radiation treatment to go on Monday. I thought we were done on Friday but was told we have to go again on Monday because one was cut short at the beginning because of breathing difficulties. We meet with the team of doctors who said they treated this quite aggressively as it grew so fast so the throat is experiencing much right now. There will be another 4 weeks before we see the total results and lots of adjustment in the next couple of weeks. This is another tough time as I adjust to not talking and sores on top of sores in the mouth. I received a beautiful reminder today from a girlfriend reminding me that God wants the best for us. So another reminder if spirit inspires you to offer service for us. Whatever that looks like. I can see some ware on us all. Last night after vomiting again and dealing with mass secretion, I felt exhausted and I could see in Richard’s face tiredness as well. On the up note radiation is finishing up and the trips to PMH every morning will stop. The little things in life make such a difference. I really look forward to salt water baths, as I wrap my stomach with plastic wrap and enjoy the comfort of the hot water. My own little spa. Please keep those notes, letters, prayers, visits, healing energies coming and anything you can offer. Even things like helping with laundry, cleaning the bathroom and help remind and oversee Julian to grow his contribution skills in the house too (although it may not be his favorite thing to do).
One more radiation treatment to go on Monday. I thought we were done on Friday but was told we have to go again on Monday because one was cut short at the beginning because of breathing difficulties. We meet with the team of doctors who said they treated this quite aggressively as it grew so fast so the throat is experiencing much right now. There will be another 4 weeks before we see the total results and lots of adjustment in the next couple of weeks. This is another tough time as I adjust to not talking and sores on top of sores in the mouth. I received a beautiful reminder today from a girlfriend reminding me that God wants the best for us. So another reminder if spirit inspires you to offer service for us. Whatever that looks like. I can see some ware on us all. Last night after vomiting again and dealing with mass secretion, I felt exhausted and I could see in Richard’s face tiredness as well. On the up note radiation is finishing up and the trips to PMH every morning will stop. The little things in life make such a difference. I really look forward to salt water baths, as I wrap my stomach with plastic wrap and enjoy the comfort of the hot water. My own little spa. Please keep those notes, letters, prayers, visits, healing energies coming and anything you can offer. Even things like helping with laundry, cleaning the bathroom and help remind and oversee Julian to grow his contribution skills in the house too (although it may not be his favorite thing to do).
Saturday, October 31, 2009
October 30ish - see how much it has been removed The lump on the throat which has now shrunk - this was back in August 
End of August - see the size that was inside my mouth.
Julian and Ace out for a cadet Halloween celebration
Flowers in our backyard - Julian planted the ones against the fence.
Practice for that babysiting course
Jacob and Ann - nothing like a baby to bring out heart!
End of August - see the size that was inside my mouth.
Julian and Ace out for a cadet Halloween celebration
Flowers in our backyard - Julian planted the ones against the fence.
Practice for that babysiting course
Jacob and Ann - nothing like a baby to bring out heart!Saturday, October 31, 2009 – HALLOWEEN
I had two great nights of sleep and the feeding tube worked well. We are trying it slower and doing some while I sleep. It seems to be working better. It was a week of experimenting with what the body could handle. Earlier this week I would get 4 tins but then vomit and feel terrible. So the last two days we slowed it down and some of the nausea has stopped. I also meet with the surgeon this week to discuss removing the trach tube. Not going to happen. He would like to see it in for another potentially 4-6 weeks. Ok I will stay open to that if it truly helps. I had a nurse say it is going by very fast. I said that has not been my experience. In fact it has been one of the slowest time; being aware of every moment and experience with the body. Joan is coming with me again on Monday as it will be the last chemo treatment and I stay one last night and then radiation the rest of the week.
Again some great visits, starting with my sister, my niece and her new son. I had a few sets of visits from friends at Knightsbridge (the place I do a lot of work) as well they have been providing meals from the restaurant below for Richard and Julian. I put some pictures up on Jacob the newest family member. Nothing like babies to bring so much joy.
The chiropractor came over for 30 minutes not necessarily to do regular treatment but something else that helped release some of the muscle tension. With the awkwardness of sleeping with my head up propped on pillows and weight loss – the spine has taken some ware and tare.
Richard has been mentioning it for the last weeks to put some of the pictures of tumor on the blog at different stages. Ok, here goes.
Happy Halloween!!! You could just imagine what I could go as.
I had two great nights of sleep and the feeding tube worked well. We are trying it slower and doing some while I sleep. It seems to be working better. It was a week of experimenting with what the body could handle. Earlier this week I would get 4 tins but then vomit and feel terrible. So the last two days we slowed it down and some of the nausea has stopped. I also meet with the surgeon this week to discuss removing the trach tube. Not going to happen. He would like to see it in for another potentially 4-6 weeks. Ok I will stay open to that if it truly helps. I had a nurse say it is going by very fast. I said that has not been my experience. In fact it has been one of the slowest time; being aware of every moment and experience with the body. Joan is coming with me again on Monday as it will be the last chemo treatment and I stay one last night and then radiation the rest of the week.
Again some great visits, starting with my sister, my niece and her new son. I had a few sets of visits from friends at Knightsbridge (the place I do a lot of work) as well they have been providing meals from the restaurant below for Richard and Julian. I put some pictures up on Jacob the newest family member. Nothing like babies to bring so much joy.
The chiropractor came over for 30 minutes not necessarily to do regular treatment but something else that helped release some of the muscle tension. With the awkwardness of sleeping with my head up propped on pillows and weight loss – the spine has taken some ware and tare.
Richard has been mentioning it for the last weeks to put some of the pictures of tumor on the blog at different stages. Ok, here goes.
Happy Halloween!!! You could just imagine what I could go as.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Wow, I thought I would write sooner, but maintenance just got bigger. I thought I would have all this time for resting, reading, maybe drawing. NOT.
So much of the day is consumed with care. To give you an idea this is what today looked like and most days. I am up at 5:00 a.m. doing a salt solution cleaning the area around the neck and trach tube. Then I rinse my mouth with baking soda and water as it is now filled up with gobs of phlegm from the sleep. This is all to be expected from radiation and chemo. If you spoke to me in the last couple of days, you probably did most of the talking as now I am struggling to speak. (I know some people really like this idea – don’t worry it will come back and watch out). Then with a peroxide solution and brush I clean the trach tube out. I give myself a sponge bath and dress. I am ready to leave at 6:45 a.m. to Toronto for the 8:00 a.m. radiation apt., I then meet with one of the team doctors and we reviewed where things are at. I loss a little weight again so we look at ways to manage that nausea again. Yesterday without getting into the fine details I will let you know I was pretty close to the bowl most of the day. I had a nurse clean up the bandages; give me a saline solution around the neck to help with skin. The doctor reminded me this is the very tough time. I spoke to Vera (my sister) and we said that seems to be the message week by week. Good point. I then came home (it is around 11:30 ish) and immediately hooked up to the feeding tube – I now need to have 4 tins. Each tin takes 1 ½ to 2 hours. Usually I come home to a long nap as well. Before long it is 2:30 and Julian is home by 2:45 p.m. and I am starting my next gourmet dinner or should I say gourmet drink. (the further from the truth). I watch a little Oprah and finish off the drink. If I rush anything I pay for it later. (which I did). I see now we are all getting a little tired, keeping up but a little tired. I had some great care this week. Yesterday my girlfriend washed and conditioned my hair (this is the friend who works with clients with hair loss) , so really was gentle both with the products and touch. Richard got our local chiropractor to come and see me tomorrow night as my spine has been tender. YES. On Sunday, I had 3 healer friends do a series of treatments on me. So many angels out there. Earlier in the week I felt I hit my low and so together Richard and I did a prayer. Within minutes help came in so many ways. Nice reminder to move to a bigger source.
Wow, I thought I would write sooner, but maintenance just got bigger. I thought I would have all this time for resting, reading, maybe drawing. NOT.
So much of the day is consumed with care. To give you an idea this is what today looked like and most days. I am up at 5:00 a.m. doing a salt solution cleaning the area around the neck and trach tube. Then I rinse my mouth with baking soda and water as it is now filled up with gobs of phlegm from the sleep. This is all to be expected from radiation and chemo. If you spoke to me in the last couple of days, you probably did most of the talking as now I am struggling to speak. (I know some people really like this idea – don’t worry it will come back and watch out). Then with a peroxide solution and brush I clean the trach tube out. I give myself a sponge bath and dress. I am ready to leave at 6:45 a.m. to Toronto for the 8:00 a.m. radiation apt., I then meet with one of the team doctors and we reviewed where things are at. I loss a little weight again so we look at ways to manage that nausea again. Yesterday without getting into the fine details I will let you know I was pretty close to the bowl most of the day. I had a nurse clean up the bandages; give me a saline solution around the neck to help with skin. The doctor reminded me this is the very tough time. I spoke to Vera (my sister) and we said that seems to be the message week by week. Good point. I then came home (it is around 11:30 ish) and immediately hooked up to the feeding tube – I now need to have 4 tins. Each tin takes 1 ½ to 2 hours. Usually I come home to a long nap as well. Before long it is 2:30 and Julian is home by 2:45 p.m. and I am starting my next gourmet dinner or should I say gourmet drink. (the further from the truth). I watch a little Oprah and finish off the drink. If I rush anything I pay for it later. (which I did). I see now we are all getting a little tired, keeping up but a little tired. I had some great care this week. Yesterday my girlfriend washed and conditioned my hair (this is the friend who works with clients with hair loss) , so really was gentle both with the products and touch. Richard got our local chiropractor to come and see me tomorrow night as my spine has been tender. YES. On Sunday, I had 3 healer friends do a series of treatments on me. So many angels out there. Earlier in the week I felt I hit my low and so together Richard and I did a prayer. Within minutes help came in so many ways. Nice reminder to move to a bigger source.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
I met with the team of doctors today to review how things are going. Again the tumor is shrinking well. I now need to get some weight on as I lost another couple of pounds. The throat is changing and food is tasting terrible (as someone described it was like eating sawdust). I am now using the feeding machine which takes quite a bit of time, but I am determined. There is a lot more discomfort from the throat and constant discharge and the last two days have been a little more challenging to talk. My skin around the neck area has become quite sensitive and peeling. After this week, it will be two more weeks of radiation and one more chemo treatment. I understand the trach tube and feeding tube may be with me for another month after (we will see). I am glad I know the end of this is coming and parts of me are able to appreciate some sense of normal.
I woke up during the night wanting to share the experience I had in the surgery area receiving the feeding tube. It was special. I had to wait about 2 hours in the post operation area wondering if they forgot about me. At last they came and got me. The doctor introduced himself and by then I was a little anxious (needless to say). I told him and he was so real with me. He said he understood and did not sugar coat anything. He did not minimize my anxiousness and I felt heard. He gave me the facts, the risks and also said he does about 3 a day. He then teamed with two other people in the operation room who I also shared my nervousness with and they quickly gave me their attention. I find when I am like that it is better for me not to go just into task mode, I looked them in the eye and often ask to hold their hands for a couple of minutes and then I feel the human element. They worked together very well as a team and stayed close to me and explained what they were doing. I was awake during the procedure with some help with meds. Then after they delicately brought me into the recuperation area and brought extra warm blankets.
I met with the team of doctors today to review how things are going. Again the tumor is shrinking well. I now need to get some weight on as I lost another couple of pounds. The throat is changing and food is tasting terrible (as someone described it was like eating sawdust). I am now using the feeding machine which takes quite a bit of time, but I am determined. There is a lot more discomfort from the throat and constant discharge and the last two days have been a little more challenging to talk. My skin around the neck area has become quite sensitive and peeling. After this week, it will be two more weeks of radiation and one more chemo treatment. I understand the trach tube and feeding tube may be with me for another month after (we will see). I am glad I know the end of this is coming and parts of me are able to appreciate some sense of normal.
I woke up during the night wanting to share the experience I had in the surgery area receiving the feeding tube. It was special. I had to wait about 2 hours in the post operation area wondering if they forgot about me. At last they came and got me. The doctor introduced himself and by then I was a little anxious (needless to say). I told him and he was so real with me. He said he understood and did not sugar coat anything. He did not minimize my anxiousness and I felt heard. He gave me the facts, the risks and also said he does about 3 a day. He then teamed with two other people in the operation room who I also shared my nervousness with and they quickly gave me their attention. I find when I am like that it is better for me not to go just into task mode, I looked them in the eye and often ask to hold their hands for a couple of minutes and then I feel the human element. They worked together very well as a team and stayed close to me and explained what they were doing. I was awake during the procedure with some help with meds. Then after they delicately brought me into the recuperation area and brought extra warm blankets.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
I am back home after another stay at Princess Margaret Hospital. I got the feeding tube put in yesterday. The evening was very tender and now glad to be back home. It is interesting I watch two night nurses as they come in after I call them and acted as if I am disturbing them. I threw up a couple of times and they give me a small bucket, give me gravol and then run out before I ask for anything else like a new gown. The day nurse is a lot more sensitive and immediately gets me refreshed and shows me the use of the feeding tube. My room mate in the hospital has been there for some time and dealing with all kinds of side effects. She smokes and goes out every ½ hour to have a smoke. They have told her she needs to stop but she insists it would create too much stress. The last couple of days it was more difficult to talk as my throat seems a little tender and things are still breaking up. I watch where I put my energy and prefer not to engage in conversations with people I don’t really want to. I am a little restless wanting to move on and yet the body has not yet caught up to that.
I am back home after another stay at Princess Margaret Hospital. I got the feeding tube put in yesterday. The evening was very tender and now glad to be back home. It is interesting I watch two night nurses as they come in after I call them and acted as if I am disturbing them. I threw up a couple of times and they give me a small bucket, give me gravol and then run out before I ask for anything else like a new gown. The day nurse is a lot more sensitive and immediately gets me refreshed and shows me the use of the feeding tube. My room mate in the hospital has been there for some time and dealing with all kinds of side effects. She smokes and goes out every ½ hour to have a smoke. They have told her she needs to stop but she insists it would create too much stress. The last couple of days it was more difficult to talk as my throat seems a little tender and things are still breaking up. I watch where I put my energy and prefer not to engage in conversations with people I don’t really want to. I am a little restless wanting to move on and yet the body has not yet caught up to that.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Brutal – another week of this! Patience is not my strong point. I know I passed the half way point. I am feeling irritated. I woke up wanting to pull out the trach tube. I hate having something around my neck. My body is feeling so small and I am attempting to continue building strengths through eating and breathing. I now have agreed to go with the feeding tube Monday. (which I hear will provide the nutrition I need). I have lost my appetite and weight went down again, so going this route will help.
Again the week was full of support starting off with Joan (my sister) bringing me on Tuesday to PMH and hanging out with me while I had chemo. Then Bob and Pat bringing me back to their home in between two radiation treatments and giving me the comfort of napping in their sunny room in the afternoon after a walk in the beaches. Laura picked me up after and we experimented seeing the movie Home but I had to cut it short and say goodnight sooner than expected. Duncan drove again on Thursday sharing his pleasure of Celtic music. Allison drove on Friday, creating a great ride and finding a ¼ of the price parking spot on the street. Kelly also joined me this week and took me to Truly You to get a hair treatment from Heather.
Back home to a long nap and soaking the warmth with Richard, Julian and Ace. I am enjoying seeing Julian grow and he has had some special dates as well.
Another friend called on Friday and with sincere intention said she was very sad I had cancer. It scared me and I am finding it hard to shake it off. Up to now I have felt this was a transition and it would pass soon. Now I am feeling weak, shaken, and uncertain about what’s next. I tell myself to keep my eye on positive things and what I love. At the moment that is a little hard. The closest thing I keep in my heart is that I want to live.
Richard is tentatively planning a business trip to Palm Springs in December and suggested we go together. That feels really good. I want to go without the trach tube or feeding tube and feel my body in the warmer weather and enjoy new sites.
Richard and I did a couple of errands today and I feel so different being frail, not by usual bouncy self and aware of how much thinner I am. It is good for me to go out and to build that confidence again and reconnect with something greater than what appears!
Brutal – another week of this! Patience is not my strong point. I know I passed the half way point. I am feeling irritated. I woke up wanting to pull out the trach tube. I hate having something around my neck. My body is feeling so small and I am attempting to continue building strengths through eating and breathing. I now have agreed to go with the feeding tube Monday. (which I hear will provide the nutrition I need). I have lost my appetite and weight went down again, so going this route will help.
Again the week was full of support starting off with Joan (my sister) bringing me on Tuesday to PMH and hanging out with me while I had chemo. Then Bob and Pat bringing me back to their home in between two radiation treatments and giving me the comfort of napping in their sunny room in the afternoon after a walk in the beaches. Laura picked me up after and we experimented seeing the movie Home but I had to cut it short and say goodnight sooner than expected. Duncan drove again on Thursday sharing his pleasure of Celtic music. Allison drove on Friday, creating a great ride and finding a ¼ of the price parking spot on the street. Kelly also joined me this week and took me to Truly You to get a hair treatment from Heather.
Back home to a long nap and soaking the warmth with Richard, Julian and Ace. I am enjoying seeing Julian grow and he has had some special dates as well.
Another friend called on Friday and with sincere intention said she was very sad I had cancer. It scared me and I am finding it hard to shake it off. Up to now I have felt this was a transition and it would pass soon. Now I am feeling weak, shaken, and uncertain about what’s next. I tell myself to keep my eye on positive things and what I love. At the moment that is a little hard. The closest thing I keep in my heart is that I want to live.
Richard is tentatively planning a business trip to Palm Springs in December and suggested we go together. That feels really good. I want to go without the trach tube or feeding tube and feel my body in the warmer weather and enjoy new sites.
Richard and I did a couple of errands today and I feel so different being frail, not by usual bouncy self and aware of how much thinner I am. It is good for me to go out and to build that confidence again and reconnect with something greater than what appears!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Wow, 6 more days have gone by and already the side effects are strong. It is good to have the weekend. No trips into Princess Margaret Hospital now until Tuesday.
Thursday night, I got to enjoy Gary’s 60th birthday party (a friend of many years who we shared a number of New Years party with his family and friends). I didn’t know that was going to be the last of eating solids for a while. The cake was worth it.
My tongue now is very raw, swollen and open sores, blisters as well the gums all around the teeth have become even more sensitive. I was given a medicated mouthwash to coat the mouth to allow for some eating without the sensitivity. So far that has not been helpful. I must admit I thought I had a couple more days before this stage. Now I see where the feeding tube will have to be done. My hair has also started to fall out in chunks, again a little faster than I expected. I have had 3 weeks of radiation and 4 more weeks to go and two more chemo treatments. The next one being Tuesday, where I stay in the hospital overnight again.
I am continuously blessed by the kindness of humanity. Spirit shows up! I could never do this alone, although some do, I know myself, and I do better with the community of family and friends. I feel the need for touch, gentleness, laughter and sometimes just talking through some of the waves of emotions. Sometimes during the day I go to the poor me place and then a story comes in from another who lost her husband or my neighbor’s dear friend whose daughter went through it and the family was told to gather as she might not make it. That was 2 years ago and she is doing really well today and is cancer free.
Here are some pictures – the trach tube (see how red the neck was) now it is so much better. The mask that is put on for each radiation treatment, picture of me with it snapped into place and ready to go.
Just to balance things, here is a picture of ACE – our 6 month old pup who Julian named and reminds me – “We will ace this”!
Wow, 6 more days have gone by and already the side effects are strong. It is good to have the weekend. No trips into Princess Margaret Hospital now until Tuesday.
Thursday night, I got to enjoy Gary’s 60th birthday party (a friend of many years who we shared a number of New Years party with his family and friends). I didn’t know that was going to be the last of eating solids for a while. The cake was worth it.
My tongue now is very raw, swollen and open sores, blisters as well the gums all around the teeth have become even more sensitive. I was given a medicated mouthwash to coat the mouth to allow for some eating without the sensitivity. So far that has not been helpful. I must admit I thought I had a couple more days before this stage. Now I see where the feeding tube will have to be done. My hair has also started to fall out in chunks, again a little faster than I expected. I have had 3 weeks of radiation and 4 more weeks to go and two more chemo treatments. The next one being Tuesday, where I stay in the hospital overnight again.
I am continuously blessed by the kindness of humanity. Spirit shows up! I could never do this alone, although some do, I know myself, and I do better with the community of family and friends. I feel the need for touch, gentleness, laughter and sometimes just talking through some of the waves of emotions. Sometimes during the day I go to the poor me place and then a story comes in from another who lost her husband or my neighbor’s dear friend whose daughter went through it and the family was told to gather as she might not make it. That was 2 years ago and she is doing really well today and is cancer free.
Here are some pictures – the trach tube (see how red the neck was) now it is so much better. The mask that is put on for each radiation treatment, picture of me with it snapped into place and ready to go.
Just to balance things, here is a picture of ACE – our 6 month old pup who Julian named and reminds me – “We will ace this”!
It does help me to compare this to renovations, sometimes it gets wild and tough, but we keep our heart on the desired outcome. As Julian wrote on my mirrow - Mom rocks!
Monday, October 5, 2009
Good to be Home
Sunday, October 4th,
God it is so good to be home. As I look outside and watch the 2nd evening of the full moon. How beautiful, powerful and mystical. It is beautiful, beauty, my guiding anchor. It speaks, “this is part of the mission, the journey, and it was all planned”. There are clouds displaying forms. I see a woman lying in a bed under the moon. I am told to “Rest now”The cloud formation is changing at such high speed, yet when I look I don’t see it even moving. When I take mind off it and do something else and come back the art has retaken. The great Artist in the sky. I am told again, “you are part of the collective, just keep writing” Time to turn over the responsibility part to God. She does a better job Wow, I am relishing in the care of support from people, feeling the warmth of people coming for visits, offerings, drives, cards, calls, emails. The conversations are deeper, we are not just socializing, we are saying, “hi, isn’t this great another opportunity to live, share and love.” You experience me with my phlegm hung low and dripping, speaking like darth vader and looking like Queen Victoria with a high collar bib.
On the weekend I got out quickly to buy some new pants as I have been using belts and wraps to hold the pants up. It really hit home, when the size 6 I was trying on was too big. I went from approximately size 10 or 12 to a size 4.
I am eating now and enjoying that a lot. I cannot remember when I gave myself so much food and freedom. Creams, cheeses, pates and on.... just enjoying it all. My mouth has become a lot more tender so everything made with intent of easy to swallow is making it interesting. Sounds weird but water is hard to have as it goes down too fast and no texture.
I also have had a male nurse come a few times. He is great; his name is Vadym and is Ukrainian. He has been so diligent in working with the sensitivity of the skins around the trach tube. The skin was very raw and painful and he helped find the right solution to protect it and it is slowly healing. I find it amazing and humbling these people come into my life.
While I was in the hospital the first few days, Joan (my sister) came every night. She brought such caring and love. She was there through my fear and not being able to breath. She would work all day in Meadowvale area, drive her car to the subway, spend a few hours with me and then drive all the way home to Terra Cotta in the fog. At the same time, she was cleaning out her home of many years to transfer to another house. I felt like a baby being brought into the world and she was going to be there for me. There is no other feeling, when we look at each other and know we are going to get through this.
Now we can look back and laugh as I was starting to tell stories from the medication waves that didn't make sense and I could witness myself doing that. Or after arriving and getting comfortable with her feet up with a book while I slept - only to be told when I woke up, Go Home Joan. She laughed and said I just got here and I am relaxing.
It was such a blessing when I called Joan on the weekend while in the hospital in one of those moments where I had enough. I said, "Joan no more, get me out of here", Joan gently said not a problem Ann, I will get change and get ready and pick you up. Somehow, knowing she heard me and willing to be there for me in my decision was enough to say ok, I can handle more. I just needed to know someone was at my side. Later when Vera and Tony arrived I was able to handle more.
On the Sunday that I was in the hospital, I had eaten very little and had no appetite at all as everything tasted like medicine. Vera had driven all the way from Terra Cotta and had made cream of wheat and put maple syrup in it. She kept saying it was so comforting to her as it reminded her of Dad and she knew I would love it. I had my nurse friend Cathy there who had just done Therapeutic Touch on me and I was about to drift off as I saw Vera's face with the desperate look of, please eat the cream of Wheat - I swear she would have forced feed me if it wasn't for Cathy saying - not to worry Ann will sleep now.
The next day Vera and Tony came again before heading back home to Montreal. Vera looked at me and said in a way I felt so loved. "Ann, I am not here for you, I am really here for me. I needed to be here. I could not stay home and worry. I wanted to be here." I know that feeling when you just have to jump in - be completely there. The moments are previous. Wow, I am so grateful for such a wonderful family.
God it is so good to be home. As I look outside and watch the 2nd evening of the full moon. How beautiful, powerful and mystical. It is beautiful, beauty, my guiding anchor. It speaks, “this is part of the mission, the journey, and it was all planned”. There are clouds displaying forms. I see a woman lying in a bed under the moon. I am told to “Rest now”The cloud formation is changing at such high speed, yet when I look I don’t see it even moving. When I take mind off it and do something else and come back the art has retaken. The great Artist in the sky. I am told again, “you are part of the collective, just keep writing” Time to turn over the responsibility part to God. She does a better job Wow, I am relishing in the care of support from people, feeling the warmth of people coming for visits, offerings, drives, cards, calls, emails. The conversations are deeper, we are not just socializing, we are saying, “hi, isn’t this great another opportunity to live, share and love.” You experience me with my phlegm hung low and dripping, speaking like darth vader and looking like Queen Victoria with a high collar bib.
On the weekend I got out quickly to buy some new pants as I have been using belts and wraps to hold the pants up. It really hit home, when the size 6 I was trying on was too big. I went from approximately size 10 or 12 to a size 4.
I am eating now and enjoying that a lot. I cannot remember when I gave myself so much food and freedom. Creams, cheeses, pates and on.... just enjoying it all. My mouth has become a lot more tender so everything made with intent of easy to swallow is making it interesting. Sounds weird but water is hard to have as it goes down too fast and no texture.
I also have had a male nurse come a few times. He is great; his name is Vadym and is Ukrainian. He has been so diligent in working with the sensitivity of the skins around the trach tube. The skin was very raw and painful and he helped find the right solution to protect it and it is slowly healing. I find it amazing and humbling these people come into my life.
While I was in the hospital the first few days, Joan (my sister) came every night. She brought such caring and love. She was there through my fear and not being able to breath. She would work all day in Meadowvale area, drive her car to the subway, spend a few hours with me and then drive all the way home to Terra Cotta in the fog. At the same time, she was cleaning out her home of many years to transfer to another house. I felt like a baby being brought into the world and she was going to be there for me. There is no other feeling, when we look at each other and know we are going to get through this.
Now we can look back and laugh as I was starting to tell stories from the medication waves that didn't make sense and I could witness myself doing that. Or after arriving and getting comfortable with her feet up with a book while I slept - only to be told when I woke up, Go Home Joan. She laughed and said I just got here and I am relaxing.
It was such a blessing when I called Joan on the weekend while in the hospital in one of those moments where I had enough. I said, "Joan no more, get me out of here", Joan gently said not a problem Ann, I will get change and get ready and pick you up. Somehow, knowing she heard me and willing to be there for me in my decision was enough to say ok, I can handle more. I just needed to know someone was at my side. Later when Vera and Tony arrived I was able to handle more.
On the Sunday that I was in the hospital, I had eaten very little and had no appetite at all as everything tasted like medicine. Vera had driven all the way from Terra Cotta and had made cream of wheat and put maple syrup in it. She kept saying it was so comforting to her as it reminded her of Dad and she knew I would love it. I had my nurse friend Cathy there who had just done Therapeutic Touch on me and I was about to drift off as I saw Vera's face with the desperate look of, please eat the cream of Wheat - I swear she would have forced feed me if it wasn't for Cathy saying - not to worry Ann will sleep now.
The next day Vera and Tony came again before heading back home to Montreal. Vera looked at me and said in a way I felt so loved. "Ann, I am not here for you, I am really here for me. I needed to be here. I could not stay home and worry. I wanted to be here." I know that feeling when you just have to jump in - be completely there. The moments are previous. Wow, I am so grateful for such a wonderful family.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
September 29, ,2009
I wanted to send a quick note. I have about 5 minutes to get my clean stuff together and back to the hospital. Yes I got to come out for a few hours today. A long trip home and back but worth the change of environment. It took an adjustment to be back in the house without getting into cleaning. I did get to take a nice salt bath and enjoy hanging out with Richard and Julian.
I have had a new trach tube put in today and tomorrow the plan is to put a feeding tube directly into my stomach. The whole idea with the trach tube is to help me breath as when I lie down for radiation, my throat closes up and the airways get blocked. I am still unsure about this feeding tube idea. I know I have not been able to eat much, much given time I know that will come back. While at home today I nibbled on some fine chopped chicken and potatoes. This has been a first in some time. That decision is for tomorrow.
You know it is interesting, it is not the challenge of the cancer that is so hard, it is all the invasion in the body to take the treatment. The trach tube is very umcomfortable with tons of flems coming out and unfortunately, I have to say it smells. The body's natural way of trying to get rid of a foreign object. The interesting thing is I am beginning to pick up smells again as my nasel was completely blocked privious to this.
I was told today the tumor in my mouth has shrunk dramatically about 30 -40 % after 7 radiation treatments. I had a sense that would happen, just give it time without the whole fire hose treatment. I had been preparing my body with lots of healing herbs prior to this and was given the heads up it may move out quickly.
I had some great visits and thank you for those who did come by. I am particularly enjoying any form of energy work, touch or whatever. Vera and Tony (my sister and brother from Montreal) came in as a nice surprise over the weekend. We had some good laughs and hugs.
I must go as my girlfriend is coming to pick me up to bring me back in the hospital. But wanted to take a few minutes to update you.
Love
Ann
September 26, 2009
This was an email Richard sent out.
The latest about Ann: she is now at Princess Margaret (17 A) or the weekend and early next week at least. That's the good news. She's having some difficulty with the trach tube and is is some discomfort
Is there anyone who can offer some body work or energy work today?
If you are planning a visit, this weekend looks good - no treatments on Sat or Sunday. She will welcome some familiar faces. "Word On The Street" is Sunday at Queen's Park, so avoid University between College and Bloor.
Richard Diver
I wanted to send a quick note. I have about 5 minutes to get my clean stuff together and back to the hospital. Yes I got to come out for a few hours today. A long trip home and back but worth the change of environment. It took an adjustment to be back in the house without getting into cleaning. I did get to take a nice salt bath and enjoy hanging out with Richard and Julian.
I have had a new trach tube put in today and tomorrow the plan is to put a feeding tube directly into my stomach. The whole idea with the trach tube is to help me breath as when I lie down for radiation, my throat closes up and the airways get blocked. I am still unsure about this feeding tube idea. I know I have not been able to eat much, much given time I know that will come back. While at home today I nibbled on some fine chopped chicken and potatoes. This has been a first in some time. That decision is for tomorrow.
You know it is interesting, it is not the challenge of the cancer that is so hard, it is all the invasion in the body to take the treatment. The trach tube is very umcomfortable with tons of flems coming out and unfortunately, I have to say it smells. The body's natural way of trying to get rid of a foreign object. The interesting thing is I am beginning to pick up smells again as my nasel was completely blocked privious to this.
I was told today the tumor in my mouth has shrunk dramatically about 30 -40 % after 7 radiation treatments. I had a sense that would happen, just give it time without the whole fire hose treatment. I had been preparing my body with lots of healing herbs prior to this and was given the heads up it may move out quickly.
I had some great visits and thank you for those who did come by. I am particularly enjoying any form of energy work, touch or whatever. Vera and Tony (my sister and brother from Montreal) came in as a nice surprise over the weekend. We had some good laughs and hugs.
I must go as my girlfriend is coming to pick me up to bring me back in the hospital. But wanted to take a few minutes to update you.
Love
Ann
September 26, 2009
This was an email Richard sent out.
The latest about Ann: she is now at Princess Margaret (17 A) or the weekend and early next week at least. That's the good news. She's having some difficulty with the trach tube and is is some discomfort
Is there anyone who can offer some body work or energy work today?
If you are planning a visit, this weekend looks good - no treatments on Sat or Sunday. She will welcome some familiar faces. "Word On The Street" is Sunday at Queen's Park, so avoid University between College and Bloor.
Richard Diver
Friday, September 18, 2009
Friday, September 28, 2009
This is the goddess of tofu picture from yesterday. Now I am into preparation for the next steps. I will be starting chemo and radiation on Monday at Princess Margaret, staying overnight and then daily visits and follow ups.
I am feeling stronger about it now. I have had some great times with friends this week and today Hilary and I went to Rattry Marsch, put our feet in the water (which was warm and clear). Hilary has been a great addition on my team and has done some amazing processes with EFT with me. The time in some ways has been special as I have allowed myself to enjoy and play and not just be focused around work, responsibilities, finances. Finding that balance has been vital to my life force - more than every.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Ok I little up lift with a hair cut and manicure. My friend Laura came over and I gave her a Birkman assessment profile. It felt good to do that as we sat outside in the sunshine. Just as she was leaving the hospital called and now I am scheduled to start radiation Monday and will get the confirmation tomorrow if chemo will start the same day as well and I will be in overnight. It still feels surreal, but I am feeling more ready, my body can handle this. As you put me in your thoughts – hold me as powerful and surrounded by healing energy, angels or whatever resonate with you. Also send the same energy to anyone who is part of the team of healers.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
One of my commitments for writing in this blog was not only a place to keep people informed, but to help me with my own healing. Days lately go by so fast, by the time I fed myself, take remedies and manage to hold things down in the stomach, rinse a number of times the shedding that is now taking place inside my mouth. I usually end up going back for a nap.
If you are sensitive, I suggest you stop reading now. Richard couldn’t help but capture a picture of me on the lawn chair yesterday, also cracking with laughter. I was eating some mushy crap and pieces of tofu held on my face and neck with elastics. (tofu is suppose to be a good poultice)
Other charming things I have been experiencing. When I wake up in the morning I can be quite congested in the throat and that alone can make me gag. Richard can no longer sleep in the same room with me, as when I lie down I sound like a train grasping for air. As I am just breathing through a small spot in the throat and usually blood or other stuff surfaces on towels I am using to cover pillows. Today again, I had a huge chunk of blood come out of my nostril. I have very limited taste and I cannot smell anything.
The challenge with the tumor in the mouth, it’s been open a raw for some time and after a while hard to clean the mouth as the odor is strong as it is attempting to heal itself. . I rinse 5-6 times a day with flat club soda (recommended for cleansing).
The last couple of days I am a little uncertain about driving as the medication pulls me in and out. In my attempt to pray and meditate, there are times when my mind just goes into fast forward like trailers before a movie. I had a session with someone today to explore some great visualization and wow, that speeding mind came in a couple of times. However, as I spoke of it, I managed to shift it.
That lovely kitchen we renovated in the summer, I want to put a “closed for cooking” sign on it. Food all looks so good but I dare not put it near my mouth, not only I cannot chew but I have little taste as well. Kidding aside, do come and enjoy our kitchen and when this is healed, I will enjoy many more wonderful meals. Lately, we have been having some conversations just sitting on the new floor. Sometimes, that is a comfortable spot for me in the early morning or late day as I get anchored enough not to spin out for the rest of the day.
Clothes are looking charming. It’s been a long time since I have been this thin. Maybe when I was 18 years old. Every pair of pants, shorts, etc… look like I am missing the second leg as there is so much extra room.
Ok that is enough poor me stuff.
I went back to the whining and thoughts in my head, “I cannot believe this is happening”. Ok I give myself a few minutes to release but cannot stay there. I was watching Oprah today and then Dr. Oz came on talking about all the dangerous things in the house that could age or kill you. I wanted to find the biggest chocolate bar and throw it at him hoping to hit his face. (fun expressing a little rage there – please note I would not do that). Unfortunately I couldn’t find one in the house and somehow spinach or apple sauce just doesn’t have the same impact.
My friend Heather came over with some hair tips and general information – Heather works for Truly Yours (wigs for people who have lost hair to chemo). She is a dear friend and a great resource in my life period. I don’t plan to lose my hair but a little might get a bit dry and maybe a touch thinner in the back.
Ok I little up lift with a hair cut and manicure. My friend Laura came over and I gave her a Birkman assessment profile. It felt good to do that as we sat outside in the sunshine. Just as she was leaving the hospital called and now I am scheduled to start radiation Monday and will get the confirmation tomorrow if chemo will start the same day as well and I will be in overnight. It still feels surreal, but I am feeling more ready, my body can handle this. As you put me in your thoughts – hold me as powerful and surrounded by healing energy, angels or whatever resonate with you. Also send the same energy to anyone who is part of the team of healers.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
One of my commitments for writing in this blog was not only a place to keep people informed, but to help me with my own healing. Days lately go by so fast, by the time I fed myself, take remedies and manage to hold things down in the stomach, rinse a number of times the shedding that is now taking place inside my mouth. I usually end up going back for a nap.
If you are sensitive, I suggest you stop reading now. Richard couldn’t help but capture a picture of me on the lawn chair yesterday, also cracking with laughter. I was eating some mushy crap and pieces of tofu held on my face and neck with elastics. (tofu is suppose to be a good poultice)
Other charming things I have been experiencing. When I wake up in the morning I can be quite congested in the throat and that alone can make me gag. Richard can no longer sleep in the same room with me, as when I lie down I sound like a train grasping for air. As I am just breathing through a small spot in the throat and usually blood or other stuff surfaces on towels I am using to cover pillows. Today again, I had a huge chunk of blood come out of my nostril. I have very limited taste and I cannot smell anything.
The challenge with the tumor in the mouth, it’s been open a raw for some time and after a while hard to clean the mouth as the odor is strong as it is attempting to heal itself. . I rinse 5-6 times a day with flat club soda (recommended for cleansing).
The last couple of days I am a little uncertain about driving as the medication pulls me in and out. In my attempt to pray and meditate, there are times when my mind just goes into fast forward like trailers before a movie. I had a session with someone today to explore some great visualization and wow, that speeding mind came in a couple of times. However, as I spoke of it, I managed to shift it.
That lovely kitchen we renovated in the summer, I want to put a “closed for cooking” sign on it. Food all looks so good but I dare not put it near my mouth, not only I cannot chew but I have little taste as well. Kidding aside, do come and enjoy our kitchen and when this is healed, I will enjoy many more wonderful meals. Lately, we have been having some conversations just sitting on the new floor. Sometimes, that is a comfortable spot for me in the early morning or late day as I get anchored enough not to spin out for the rest of the day.
Clothes are looking charming. It’s been a long time since I have been this thin. Maybe when I was 18 years old. Every pair of pants, shorts, etc… look like I am missing the second leg as there is so much extra room.
Ok that is enough poor me stuff.
I went back to the whining and thoughts in my head, “I cannot believe this is happening”. Ok I give myself a few minutes to release but cannot stay there. I was watching Oprah today and then Dr. Oz came on talking about all the dangerous things in the house that could age or kill you. I wanted to find the biggest chocolate bar and throw it at him hoping to hit his face. (fun expressing a little rage there – please note I would not do that). Unfortunately I couldn’t find one in the house and somehow spinach or apple sauce just doesn’t have the same impact.
My friend Heather came over with some hair tips and general information – Heather works for Truly Yours (wigs for people who have lost hair to chemo). She is a dear friend and a great resource in my life period. I don’t plan to lose my hair but a little might get a bit dry and maybe a touch thinner in the back.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Had a great call from a nurse practioner, Maureen who will be part of the team at PMH. Co-incidence she is also friends of Cathy Kietley's. Cathy spoke to her as well. She was so caring and compassionate and continued to address questions. She helped me look at some further strategies to manage the pain, as it is still very high and when it gets to that level, it is so hard to
manage it. So we are looking at strategies during the day, helping to make the night time easier. We are still expecting a call to establish when we get started. She explained that the planning team now reviews the doses of radiation and chemo and together come up with the plan. It can take a few more days. It could be end of this week or early next week. Richard, Julian and I had a lovely connection last night to further explain a few more things to Julian.
Maureen told me that using rides from Canadian Cancer Society or Red Cross may not work for me. She found that because they pick up several people at once, you all end up waiting for other people's schedules making the stay much longer. My friend Laura has offered to team with Richard to put some plans together to call on friends and family. If you have any availability and don't mind taking me let Richard or me know. We found it takes about 75 minutes during rush hour one way. We have asked for good times to make it easier. However, we might have to take what we can get. I will also be looking at using their louge for overnight when I feel that might be better We are looking into that.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
I am so grateful for the amazing resources of people I have in my life. Wow, I feel like I am on the mouse ride at the X. What a ride. I think taking one of those would have been a lot easier that this ride, cheaper too.
We were at Julian’s baseball tournament this weekend until the end today where his team won in overtime. How exciting and these kids learn the rise and fall of emotions and team work. We then went back to Terra Cotta with Joan (my sister) over to see the Kanatan group of healers, this time the key leader was in from Manitoba and he muscle tested me again. I said I had been tired the last couple of days and he said yes your body has been on a big healing crisis and has done great work to rid of the toxics. He now says I can let go most of the remedies with the exception of two and gave me more stuff to keep and gain some weight to help with hospital treatment. Every time I was going to the hospital I was dropping several pounds and they spoke of putting me on an eating tube early. I kept thinking of Vera (my sister from Montreal) who was very clear when she was waiting for a new kidney earlier this year what she wanted and did not want.
I am trying to get food in me and he gave me something else to add to that venture. He feels we are at the stage where my body will adjust to the treatments well and recovery will be quick. That was positive!
I am noticing the pain has not been as severe – again perhaps things are changing. I don’t seem to need the morphine but the pain does come especially at night and I do need something to manage it. Sleep is still broken up with pain and discomfort. Interesting when it reaches a high level, it’s almost too late to respond. Every day takes a new perspective. I know I am healing and what a way to get my attention for change.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
I got up early and took the bike out to Ratray Marsh and then walked a bit and started returning home to almost passing out. I had to call Richard to pick me up. I cannot breathe through the nose and have limited access in my throat, so I realized on a deeper level my body has gone through a huge change. I was thinking how often I did that walk and ride before getting cancer and it felt like a simple exercise, now I see wow that quite a tough jot. I was in good shape.
Saturday afternoon, Sharon and her husband and two teenage girls came over. These are some good friends that live in Guelph. They had lived in our condo complex previous to that and we used to hang out quite a bit. She went through cancer 7 years ago where she lost both her breast and had chemo treatments. They spoke to us at great length from all their experiences with Sharon and some other friends and family members. We had a long dialogue about the process and she has highly recommended doing both procedures. Eastern and Western medicine, but not just one. Being a family therapist, teachers, supervisor I have a lot of respect for her and she shared she has seen so many people not combined the Western treatments and then did not do well. This is a time to bring the goddess of Kali in. Wow that is scary. Death in order to live
Friday, September 11, 2009
We got some great news on Friday. We are receiving almost a full refund, after negotiating with the hearing aid company in which I spent $3500.00 and after many sessions realized it was too painful to wear (only to discover that there was a tumor happening that could have been interfering. After receiving the news I could not find the aid to return it. So I decided to just have a nap and let it go and sure enough I found it the minute I woke up. I know I am being guided to let go and trust.
I saw the Living Matrix movie with a number of alternative practitioners on Friday night. Some good information.
On Thursday night I had to take some morphine in order to manage the pain and get me through the night. Again a weird experience and tender stomach in the morning.
Got the wired mask made and another cat scan at PMH. That was a little weird but not as bad as I thought. They have to form this huge mask over your face and it molds to your face and hardens. It is used for the whole radiation treatment. They put it on each time and snap on to the table so I will not move as the radiation is directed in the right spots.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
I am off to get the wire mask made today but wanted to send this note to if it so inspires you. You can email below to add your prayers or just add your own in your heart. Either way – thank you.
Don’t Forget: Unity World Day of Prayer
All around the world, from North America to New Zealand, Unity is observing its annual World Day of Prayer on Thursday September 10, 2009.
Unity Church of Mississauga and the Prayer Chaplains are conducting a service at the Church tomorrow Thursday the 10th at 7:30 p.m. The service will be held in the Education Room, Unit 6.
Come and bring your prayer requests (first names only) and they will be read during the service. You can also e-mail your prayer requests to Bill Karr at praywithbill@gmail.com and he will put them on our list.
Come out and help us mark this very important day in Unity.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Another attempt at Tylenol 3 again. This time eating as much before so the stomach can handle it. (Of course liquid that is as I can no longer chew). Even taking remedies has become very hard. Again the morning was a series of upchucks on route to the hospital. Richard was glad because we had to stop by the grounds of Palace Pier and he said how nice it was there. Nice of me to offer that side trip for him. I met with the former surgeon at Sunnybrook who did ear surgery last year and he cleaned a lot of blood from my ear so we could re-test and get a baseline of where my hearing is at before we do radiation.
Then off to Princess Margaret – where we reviewed the plans. They gave us a complete layout over 7 weeks of radiation and 3 chemo treatments during that time. It may start the end of next week or the beginning of the following week. They said the cancerous tumor is very aggressive, making this a level 4. Up to now we had some laughs together, but then the conversation got very serious with some further details. We had a list of questions. Funny I wanted to know the details and yet knowing them has my stomach turning.. Tomorrow we go for another appointment where they design a wire mask with screws and markings that gets used throughout the radiation treatment so I don’t move.
We had a little time between so we went to cherry beach and brought a blanket by the water and sand. Those 30 minutes where so filled with joy as the sun was strong and we watched someone with a huge kite. No stress then, just pure relaxation. That is the state I like – very trusting and inspired by beauty. I am so grateful to have Richard at my side. He has been a real god send. He is not only there for me, but really on top of things for Julian and Ace. I am grateful he has had the flexibility.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
I still have lots of pain and the nights are very hard with waking up continuously. I am feeling a lot more at peace with the situation. Spent the morning closing up some of my work files and transferring over the other people. Connected with Kathy Walker, another medical intuitive who gave me some ideas. One of my girlfriends recommended she talk to me (Sybilla) and as it is I worked with Kathy for a number of years before Julian was born and just after. She offered a couple of ideas and some drops that would help.
Monday, September 7, 2009.
Dale came over for a while and then I went to Joan’s . I just like hanging out and playing with the new baby. There is something so beautiful about the spirit of a baby. It was suggested to us to connect with one of my health consultant’s associates in Seattle who has done a lot of work with people facing cancer. She gave us some further suggestions to add to the remedies we are doing. Richard sent her a picture of the tumor in my mouth and on my neck taken on August 19th and then again on September 7th. We both looked at the difference and wow has it grow a lot even in that period.
Sunday, September 6, 2009 –
The pain in my mouth yesterday was so sore after I attempted to eat a small gluten and wheat free crepe with soft peaches, bananas and yogurt sauce. I just laid in the bed as Richard held me and I cried until I feel asleep. This pain has been going on for so long, sometimes worse than other times, especially during the night. In the last while, sleeping has become more and more difficult. Walking up every 2 hours or so with pain or a busy mind or just to use the washroom.
I went to church and again heard Dale (the minister) speaks of much happening on the collective level. Many changes and how important it is not to isolate. His words of wisdom, Love is Letting go and the best way to have spirit help you is to break your ground. Deepen your faith, if we knew where we were going we wouldn’t need faith. Loose your life to find it. Gospel of Thomas – Be in the world but not of it.
Debbie the singer invited people to come and sing, not to wait for the perfect time, but to use the voice to share – as it is energy. That touched my heart. I am not waiting for the perfect words to write my story.
I reconnected with several people. Julian came with me and played DS during service but hung out at my side and then stayed with me after during fellowship to chat with my friends. It is unusual, he is usually gone by then.
My niece came by to help me color the roots of my hair. I swing from feeling very positive to just worn out.
I then played with Ace (the dog) and later got triggered again as Richard brought home a whole load of groceries. I am being dramatic right now as I cannot eat much anymore and everything gets put in the new VITA mix blender. Chewing has become harder and harder and now even taking the herbal remedies, I am putting them in a drink and they are getting too hard to swallow. I am to stay away from sugar, wheat, yeast as well as this would trigger the tumor especially as in many areas it is quite raw. Although, I have done some of that in the past, I also used the backdoor approach as ‘once in a while’ and sometimes ‘more while than once’
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Another couple of days have gone by and I am still waiting for this great miracle. This is a time where I see my love & hate relationship with spirit. I get miracles daily and I wish I did not really have to go through this. I was festering many thoughts on Saturday with anger. Reviewing how this happen and the stress and anger I was feeling. Questioning so many things, cancer in my mouth; where did I hold back my words? What was not said? What might have been said in the heat of arguments when I was feeling stressed with Richard? Sometimes feeling alone while he was attempting and struggling to build up another business.
I put a new budget together as much has changed since we got the new house and renovations happened. It triggered me. Richard and I argued about money on Saturday as I am anxious about where the money will come now that I am having to stop working. The message from a number of people is to let that go and put my attention on healing. I know that too, but it has not been easy to take that step. My work was the main source of money over the last numerous years in our home and gave me a sense of security. I dealt with so many people over the many years that transition from major job losses and read and watched so much around grieve and transitions. Not that I haven’t had transitions before but now I feel the signs myself on a deeper level. The parts of grief, anger, letting go, roller coaster, despair. When I am feeling solid and connected with my higher self, I know I am learning lots and this experience is deepening my compassion, faith and ability to let go.
Wholly shit do I really have to go through this? Talk about taking me right to the edge. Other people get sick not me. I bragged how healthy I am. When I turned 50, two years ago, I said I was in better shape and health than when I was in my 30’s. At the begging of this year I did a 40 day yoga marathon. If I am so strong and bright and resourceful, then why am I still struggling with this? Dumb question
Friday, September 4, 2009
Where does the day go? I had taken Tylenol 3 with codeine that was recommended to me yesterday from the doctor. It really did a number on me. I felt terribly nauseous, numb, mind racing and uncomfortable. I won’t do those again. I spoke to my herbalist and decided to continue the herb route – a lot less harsh on my body and adds nutrition as well. I had a session with a healer from B.C. who ran a clinic in Mexico for people with serious diseases including cancer. We reviewed a number of things and she did some hands on healing.
Got a call from the hospital as they were trying to get me a MRI, but needed finer details about the titanium in my ear from surgery last year. So we are getting that next week as they cannot take a chance until they know the exact product to make sure they are using the right machine that will not impact the titanium.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Another full moon, so I enjoyed the brightness of it and spent some time in prayer and ritual.
I had a dental appointment today at Princess Margaret to review where my teeth are at and what damage the tumor has had on them. He took molds of them to get a foundation before the radiation. He is the guy who will do repair to the teeth and palette. So we can see where we are at, but it looks like I might be able to keep the teeth. I also got a hearing test, which was difficult to evaluate because my right ear is full of dried blood and they cannot see the ear cannel. Then I had several blood tests.
My sleep patterns have been irregular. Yesterday if I got more than 2 hours at a time, I was lucky. So I get up and write or read or whatever. There was some worry going through my system but I also think a busy mind and perhaps the herbs working out in my body as I sure had to go to the washroom a lot. In some strange way after having the appointments at Princess Margaret today I feel a little more relax. Waiting for all the details was harder than being with them today.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I am still on a marathon of appointments. I was at Princess Margaret today for 3 hours and again a 5th biopsy, no actually a 6th. Joan and Richard were joking yesterday saying with all the biopsies you think there wouldn't be any tumor left as they have taken it out through the biopsy route. No unfortunately not the case. Also the tumor is in my nose as well. The doctor was great. Get a load of this - his name is Dr. Andrew Hope. He is cool - long hair in a braided pony tail, under 40 years old. He had a great sense of humor, compassionate and knowledgeable. Another doctor came in to do the biopsy that asked me about my career and asked if I could help him with a career change. I looked at the huge needle in his hand and said – not what I want to hear as you about to go digging in my mouth. He laughed and said he loves his job.
I am returning there in the morning for another few appointments to start getting me prepared for the next procedures. I will break it into more details for you later Thursday or Friday. But it looks like 12 weeks of radiation and chemotherapy. We do not have an exact date as we need to have a few more examinations in place to determine the exact steps, but that is the rough plan at this point. It will start within two weeks and already a series of things are beginning including dental and hearing examinations. Quite a learning curve.
We also got the rundown on all the possible side effects, some that will last the rest of my life including loss of salivary gland so I will have to insert daily trays of fluoride.
I had not had a sense of the extent of how long this will take and the inability to eat for quite some time. I will be working with a feeding tube through the stomach. I am not sure how to get a grand pasta dish through the tube yet? One noodle at a time I guess. I sure want to enjoy what eating I can do at this point although there are some limitations. We bought a vita mix at the x - Richard made a great soup and some fruit drinks already. I also experimented with some pudding and wild combination drinks with nut butters. They have highly recommended I eat well even through this ordeal as difficult as it will be - it will help the body greatly.
On Tuesday, I had a great connection with Dale - the minister at Unity. He is helping me see this in perspectives I had not considered and with huge amounts of compassion and caring. Dale is saying answers are not through the mental process. He is the second person who has also mentioned the process involves the collective. It calls for a huge amount of courage and faith.
This is a quote Sandra sent me from Neale Donald Walsch (he wrote Conversation with God)
...that illness is not a sign of spiritual weakness, but of
Spiritual strength.
When we fall ill there are some who will say, "Why did you create that for yourself?" They might convince you to see it as a sign of spiritual weakness or failure.
It is not. It is a sign of spiritual strength. All challenges are a sign a spiritual strength, and of the readiness of the Soul to move on; to evolve even further.
Brief Summary prior to September .....
Back in the end of June I saw a canker on the palette of my mouth and it started to get uncomfortable and I thought it might have something to do with a tooth. I explore that with a dentist who said the teeth and gums were in good condition. Then I said well something is going on because I have a huge discomfort on the roof on my mouth. Well from there the momentum started. Another dental surgeon came in and then a referral to an oral surgeon. A biopsy done and then asked for a CAT scan but that got delayed due to some holidays so I went to a nose ear and throat specialist who immediately did another biopsy and got a cat scan to find out it was definitely cancerous and the growth was extremely aggressive. Now moving into the end of July the canker is now grown to the size of an egg and talking has become difficult. He referred me to the team at Princess Margaret.
August it has continued to grown and moved into the nasal area and lymph nodes. I have now loss my sense of smell and cannot breathe through the mouth. Chewing has become very difficult
Almost impossible.
I went to about 15 people all together both western and eastern modalities to get many perspectives and optimize my total health.
Had a great call from a nurse practioner, Maureen who will be part of the team at PMH. Co-incidence she is also friends of Cathy Kietley's. Cathy spoke to her as well. She was so caring and compassionate and continued to address questions. She helped me look at some further strategies to manage the pain, as it is still very high and when it gets to that level, it is so hard to
manage it. So we are looking at strategies during the day, helping to make the night time easier. We are still expecting a call to establish when we get started. She explained that the planning team now reviews the doses of radiation and chemo and together come up with the plan. It can take a few more days. It could be end of this week or early next week. Richard, Julian and I had a lovely connection last night to further explain a few more things to Julian.
Maureen told me that using rides from Canadian Cancer Society or Red Cross may not work for me. She found that because they pick up several people at once, you all end up waiting for other people's schedules making the stay much longer. My friend Laura has offered to team with Richard to put some plans together to call on friends and family. If you have any availability and don't mind taking me let Richard or me know. We found it takes about 75 minutes during rush hour one way. We have asked for good times to make it easier. However, we might have to take what we can get. I will also be looking at using their louge for overnight when I feel that might be better We are looking into that.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
I am so grateful for the amazing resources of people I have in my life. Wow, I feel like I am on the mouse ride at the X. What a ride. I think taking one of those would have been a lot easier that this ride, cheaper too.
We were at Julian’s baseball tournament this weekend until the end today where his team won in overtime. How exciting and these kids learn the rise and fall of emotions and team work. We then went back to Terra Cotta with Joan (my sister) over to see the Kanatan group of healers, this time the key leader was in from Manitoba and he muscle tested me again. I said I had been tired the last couple of days and he said yes your body has been on a big healing crisis and has done great work to rid of the toxics. He now says I can let go most of the remedies with the exception of two and gave me more stuff to keep and gain some weight to help with hospital treatment. Every time I was going to the hospital I was dropping several pounds and they spoke of putting me on an eating tube early. I kept thinking of Vera (my sister from Montreal) who was very clear when she was waiting for a new kidney earlier this year what she wanted and did not want.
I am trying to get food in me and he gave me something else to add to that venture. He feels we are at the stage where my body will adjust to the treatments well and recovery will be quick. That was positive!
I am noticing the pain has not been as severe – again perhaps things are changing. I don’t seem to need the morphine but the pain does come especially at night and I do need something to manage it. Sleep is still broken up with pain and discomfort. Interesting when it reaches a high level, it’s almost too late to respond. Every day takes a new perspective. I know I am healing and what a way to get my attention for change.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
I got up early and took the bike out to Ratray Marsh and then walked a bit and started returning home to almost passing out. I had to call Richard to pick me up. I cannot breathe through the nose and have limited access in my throat, so I realized on a deeper level my body has gone through a huge change. I was thinking how often I did that walk and ride before getting cancer and it felt like a simple exercise, now I see wow that quite a tough jot. I was in good shape.
Saturday afternoon, Sharon and her husband and two teenage girls came over. These are some good friends that live in Guelph. They had lived in our condo complex previous to that and we used to hang out quite a bit. She went through cancer 7 years ago where she lost both her breast and had chemo treatments. They spoke to us at great length from all their experiences with Sharon and some other friends and family members. We had a long dialogue about the process and she has highly recommended doing both procedures. Eastern and Western medicine, but not just one. Being a family therapist, teachers, supervisor I have a lot of respect for her and she shared she has seen so many people not combined the Western treatments and then did not do well. This is a time to bring the goddess of Kali in. Wow that is scary. Death in order to live
Friday, September 11, 2009
We got some great news on Friday. We are receiving almost a full refund, after negotiating with the hearing aid company in which I spent $3500.00 and after many sessions realized it was too painful to wear (only to discover that there was a tumor happening that could have been interfering. After receiving the news I could not find the aid to return it. So I decided to just have a nap and let it go and sure enough I found it the minute I woke up. I know I am being guided to let go and trust.
I saw the Living Matrix movie with a number of alternative practitioners on Friday night. Some good information.
On Thursday night I had to take some morphine in order to manage the pain and get me through the night. Again a weird experience and tender stomach in the morning.
Got the wired mask made and another cat scan at PMH. That was a little weird but not as bad as I thought. They have to form this huge mask over your face and it molds to your face and hardens. It is used for the whole radiation treatment. They put it on each time and snap on to the table so I will not move as the radiation is directed in the right spots.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
I am off to get the wire mask made today but wanted to send this note to if it so inspires you. You can email below to add your prayers or just add your own in your heart. Either way – thank you.
Don’t Forget: Unity World Day of Prayer
All around the world, from North America to New Zealand, Unity is observing its annual World Day of Prayer on Thursday September 10, 2009.
Unity Church of Mississauga and the Prayer Chaplains are conducting a service at the Church tomorrow Thursday the 10th at 7:30 p.m. The service will be held in the Education Room, Unit 6.
Come and bring your prayer requests (first names only) and they will be read during the service. You can also e-mail your prayer requests to Bill Karr at praywithbill@gmail.com and he will put them on our list.
Come out and help us mark this very important day in Unity.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Another attempt at Tylenol 3 again. This time eating as much before so the stomach can handle it. (Of course liquid that is as I can no longer chew). Even taking remedies has become very hard. Again the morning was a series of upchucks on route to the hospital. Richard was glad because we had to stop by the grounds of Palace Pier and he said how nice it was there. Nice of me to offer that side trip for him. I met with the former surgeon at Sunnybrook who did ear surgery last year and he cleaned a lot of blood from my ear so we could re-test and get a baseline of where my hearing is at before we do radiation.
Then off to Princess Margaret – where we reviewed the plans. They gave us a complete layout over 7 weeks of radiation and 3 chemo treatments during that time. It may start the end of next week or the beginning of the following week. They said the cancerous tumor is very aggressive, making this a level 4. Up to now we had some laughs together, but then the conversation got very serious with some further details. We had a list of questions. Funny I wanted to know the details and yet knowing them has my stomach turning.. Tomorrow we go for another appointment where they design a wire mask with screws and markings that gets used throughout the radiation treatment so I don’t move.
We had a little time between so we went to cherry beach and brought a blanket by the water and sand. Those 30 minutes where so filled with joy as the sun was strong and we watched someone with a huge kite. No stress then, just pure relaxation. That is the state I like – very trusting and inspired by beauty. I am so grateful to have Richard at my side. He has been a real god send. He is not only there for me, but really on top of things for Julian and Ace. I am grateful he has had the flexibility.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
I still have lots of pain and the nights are very hard with waking up continuously. I am feeling a lot more at peace with the situation. Spent the morning closing up some of my work files and transferring over the other people. Connected with Kathy Walker, another medical intuitive who gave me some ideas. One of my girlfriends recommended she talk to me (Sybilla) and as it is I worked with Kathy for a number of years before Julian was born and just after. She offered a couple of ideas and some drops that would help.
Monday, September 7, 2009.
Dale came over for a while and then I went to Joan’s . I just like hanging out and playing with the new baby. There is something so beautiful about the spirit of a baby. It was suggested to us to connect with one of my health consultant’s associates in Seattle who has done a lot of work with people facing cancer. She gave us some further suggestions to add to the remedies we are doing. Richard sent her a picture of the tumor in my mouth and on my neck taken on August 19th and then again on September 7th. We both looked at the difference and wow has it grow a lot even in that period.
Sunday, September 6, 2009 –
The pain in my mouth yesterday was so sore after I attempted to eat a small gluten and wheat free crepe with soft peaches, bananas and yogurt sauce. I just laid in the bed as Richard held me and I cried until I feel asleep. This pain has been going on for so long, sometimes worse than other times, especially during the night. In the last while, sleeping has become more and more difficult. Walking up every 2 hours or so with pain or a busy mind or just to use the washroom.
I went to church and again heard Dale (the minister) speaks of much happening on the collective level. Many changes and how important it is not to isolate. His words of wisdom, Love is Letting go and the best way to have spirit help you is to break your ground. Deepen your faith, if we knew where we were going we wouldn’t need faith. Loose your life to find it. Gospel of Thomas – Be in the world but not of it.
Debbie the singer invited people to come and sing, not to wait for the perfect time, but to use the voice to share – as it is energy. That touched my heart. I am not waiting for the perfect words to write my story.
I reconnected with several people. Julian came with me and played DS during service but hung out at my side and then stayed with me after during fellowship to chat with my friends. It is unusual, he is usually gone by then.
My niece came by to help me color the roots of my hair. I swing from feeling very positive to just worn out.
I then played with Ace (the dog) and later got triggered again as Richard brought home a whole load of groceries. I am being dramatic right now as I cannot eat much anymore and everything gets put in the new VITA mix blender. Chewing has become harder and harder and now even taking the herbal remedies, I am putting them in a drink and they are getting too hard to swallow. I am to stay away from sugar, wheat, yeast as well as this would trigger the tumor especially as in many areas it is quite raw. Although, I have done some of that in the past, I also used the backdoor approach as ‘once in a while’ and sometimes ‘more while than once’
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Another couple of days have gone by and I am still waiting for this great miracle. This is a time where I see my love & hate relationship with spirit. I get miracles daily and I wish I did not really have to go through this. I was festering many thoughts on Saturday with anger. Reviewing how this happen and the stress and anger I was feeling. Questioning so many things, cancer in my mouth; where did I hold back my words? What was not said? What might have been said in the heat of arguments when I was feeling stressed with Richard? Sometimes feeling alone while he was attempting and struggling to build up another business.
I put a new budget together as much has changed since we got the new house and renovations happened. It triggered me. Richard and I argued about money on Saturday as I am anxious about where the money will come now that I am having to stop working. The message from a number of people is to let that go and put my attention on healing. I know that too, but it has not been easy to take that step. My work was the main source of money over the last numerous years in our home and gave me a sense of security. I dealt with so many people over the many years that transition from major job losses and read and watched so much around grieve and transitions. Not that I haven’t had transitions before but now I feel the signs myself on a deeper level. The parts of grief, anger, letting go, roller coaster, despair. When I am feeling solid and connected with my higher self, I know I am learning lots and this experience is deepening my compassion, faith and ability to let go.
Wholly shit do I really have to go through this? Talk about taking me right to the edge. Other people get sick not me. I bragged how healthy I am. When I turned 50, two years ago, I said I was in better shape and health than when I was in my 30’s. At the begging of this year I did a 40 day yoga marathon. If I am so strong and bright and resourceful, then why am I still struggling with this? Dumb question
Friday, September 4, 2009
Where does the day go? I had taken Tylenol 3 with codeine that was recommended to me yesterday from the doctor. It really did a number on me. I felt terribly nauseous, numb, mind racing and uncomfortable. I won’t do those again. I spoke to my herbalist and decided to continue the herb route – a lot less harsh on my body and adds nutrition as well. I had a session with a healer from B.C. who ran a clinic in Mexico for people with serious diseases including cancer. We reviewed a number of things and she did some hands on healing.
Got a call from the hospital as they were trying to get me a MRI, but needed finer details about the titanium in my ear from surgery last year. So we are getting that next week as they cannot take a chance until they know the exact product to make sure they are using the right machine that will not impact the titanium.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Another full moon, so I enjoyed the brightness of it and spent some time in prayer and ritual.
I had a dental appointment today at Princess Margaret to review where my teeth are at and what damage the tumor has had on them. He took molds of them to get a foundation before the radiation. He is the guy who will do repair to the teeth and palette. So we can see where we are at, but it looks like I might be able to keep the teeth. I also got a hearing test, which was difficult to evaluate because my right ear is full of dried blood and they cannot see the ear cannel. Then I had several blood tests.
My sleep patterns have been irregular. Yesterday if I got more than 2 hours at a time, I was lucky. So I get up and write or read or whatever. There was some worry going through my system but I also think a busy mind and perhaps the herbs working out in my body as I sure had to go to the washroom a lot. In some strange way after having the appointments at Princess Margaret today I feel a little more relax. Waiting for all the details was harder than being with them today.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I am still on a marathon of appointments. I was at Princess Margaret today for 3 hours and again a 5th biopsy, no actually a 6th. Joan and Richard were joking yesterday saying with all the biopsies you think there wouldn't be any tumor left as they have taken it out through the biopsy route. No unfortunately not the case. Also the tumor is in my nose as well. The doctor was great. Get a load of this - his name is Dr. Andrew Hope. He is cool - long hair in a braided pony tail, under 40 years old. He had a great sense of humor, compassionate and knowledgeable. Another doctor came in to do the biopsy that asked me about my career and asked if I could help him with a career change. I looked at the huge needle in his hand and said – not what I want to hear as you about to go digging in my mouth. He laughed and said he loves his job.
I am returning there in the morning for another few appointments to start getting me prepared for the next procedures. I will break it into more details for you later Thursday or Friday. But it looks like 12 weeks of radiation and chemotherapy. We do not have an exact date as we need to have a few more examinations in place to determine the exact steps, but that is the rough plan at this point. It will start within two weeks and already a series of things are beginning including dental and hearing examinations. Quite a learning curve.
We also got the rundown on all the possible side effects, some that will last the rest of my life including loss of salivary gland so I will have to insert daily trays of fluoride.
I had not had a sense of the extent of how long this will take and the inability to eat for quite some time. I will be working with a feeding tube through the stomach. I am not sure how to get a grand pasta dish through the tube yet? One noodle at a time I guess. I sure want to enjoy what eating I can do at this point although there are some limitations. We bought a vita mix at the x - Richard made a great soup and some fruit drinks already. I also experimented with some pudding and wild combination drinks with nut butters. They have highly recommended I eat well even through this ordeal as difficult as it will be - it will help the body greatly.
On Tuesday, I had a great connection with Dale - the minister at Unity. He is helping me see this in perspectives I had not considered and with huge amounts of compassion and caring. Dale is saying answers are not through the mental process. He is the second person who has also mentioned the process involves the collective. It calls for a huge amount of courage and faith.
This is a quote Sandra sent me from Neale Donald Walsch (he wrote Conversation with God)
...that illness is not a sign of spiritual weakness, but of
Spiritual strength.
When we fall ill there are some who will say, "Why did you create that for yourself?" They might convince you to see it as a sign of spiritual weakness or failure.
It is not. It is a sign of spiritual strength. All challenges are a sign a spiritual strength, and of the readiness of the Soul to move on; to evolve even further.
Brief Summary prior to September .....
Back in the end of June I saw a canker on the palette of my mouth and it started to get uncomfortable and I thought it might have something to do with a tooth. I explore that with a dentist who said the teeth and gums were in good condition. Then I said well something is going on because I have a huge discomfort on the roof on my mouth. Well from there the momentum started. Another dental surgeon came in and then a referral to an oral surgeon. A biopsy done and then asked for a CAT scan but that got delayed due to some holidays so I went to a nose ear and throat specialist who immediately did another biopsy and got a cat scan to find out it was definitely cancerous and the growth was extremely aggressive. Now moving into the end of July the canker is now grown to the size of an egg and talking has become difficult. He referred me to the team at Princess Margaret.
August it has continued to grown and moved into the nasal area and lymph nodes. I have now loss my sense of smell and cannot breathe through the mouth. Chewing has become very difficult
Almost impossible.
I went to about 15 people all together both western and eastern modalities to get many perspectives and optimize my total health.
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